I made a mistake and that's fine!

Its been long over due, I am shocked at my ability to admit this; But yes I did make a mistake! And for the 1st time in a long time, I am able to say it without killing my self. I hear the other voice in my head screaming: don't admit that you are wrong, it would be admitting defeat! Why don't you wiggle out of it like you always do? Justify it with some fancy English word, or blame it on someone else, but never admit you are wrong. It is a sign of weakness! I was happy to finally liberate my self from this ignorant brainwashing.

It all began with years and years of perfectionist brainwashing; be careful, don't go here, don't try that. Or if you try and you are wrong or you fail, then you are told; you shouldn't have done that! or my favorite; you should have known! That's so cool right? Wrong! Especially because no one was born with all the knowledge and wisdom they need to navigate the earth, all of us are on a journey trying to discover the right path and follow it.

However, this brain washing worked. I developed a strong sense of defensiveness, and decided, never to be wrong or to always find a way to wiggle out if I am accused of being wrong. I learnt the perfectionists formula for survival: 

1. Always try to define the outcomes of your decision and have a plan A, B,C and even J for whatever outcome that occurs, so that you can always say: I knew what I was doing!

2. Always involve someone in execution(This is good as long as it is team work, not alibi positioning): If you fail, you have someone to share the blame or take the blame! If you succeed, you share the glory, fair enough!

3. Always take the path of least resistance-Has someone done it before and succeeded? Has it been tested? then you are sure you would never make a mistake! I am laughing out loud!

Believe me, this survival guide almost sounds logical! Well it did to me and it worked just fine, until one day; I followed them to the letter, but got an outcome I never prepared for! It was devastating, Alibi's fell apart, logic did not prevail. I replayed it in my mind over and over again: I took the tested path! I got others involved! What did I leave out??

It was a devastating experience, all my comfort walls were knocked down like the wall of Jericho  I almost sank into a cage of depression, but then one day, I heard a whisper: You made a mistake and that's just fine! I immediately rejected the voice! I do my best not to make mistakes I responded vehemently and wept my self to sleep. Days went by, my heart softened and I began to listen inward again and I realized, lo! I am only human and I too make mistakes.

That day freedom came and I realized like a wise man said; hindsight is 50-50. Yes we can be led by the best guides, but because we don't hear perfectly and we might receive wrongly, sometimes we make mistakes and we should not kill our selves.

I found my liberation and I am finally able to say, I made a mistake and that's fine. I live free and I live happy! 

What about you?

Love 

Tale

The harlot who changed the game!

-And the woman took the two men and hid them....Since I have shewed you kindness, shew kindness to my fathers house-Joshua 2

Yes I used the word Harlot! And I said it loud and clear to the embarrassment of those around me. I was quite amused at the shocked reaction the statement elicited among the nice and innocent young women around me. But I could not help my self! I have been seeking wisdom on how to take my different projects to the next level and I came to the 2nd chapter of Joshua in the bible. I was not really paying attention to a particular character, but she just popped out! I was amazed at her dexterity in forming an alliance and negotiating her freedom. I didn't know when I shouted: This smart harlot!

So that's why the girls were shocked, first of all, the word harlot sounds really 1800's. The common word on the street is hooker or prostitutes in this side of town, but its not about prostitution as it is about the wisdom of her act and the result therein. I don't support prostitution, and if I was the religious zealot I used to be, I would have raised my nose up    to the idea of a woman trading her body in exchange for money. It is not justifiable in any form, although watching Law& order yesterday and seeing how a young girl was forced into the trade gave me a different perspective.

However, as I read, I encountered a remarkable woman named Rahab, why she chose to be a harlot(or maybe she did not even choose it), I don't know. But she had become prosperous in the trade and had even managed to acquire a house by the city gate, which is equivalent to a prime location like Ikoyi or VI. What stood out to me about her was not her acquisitions, but her aspirations! She wanted out! She knew there was more to life than what she had and where she was. She wanted more from life and she was on the look out for it. I believe in the law of attraction, that you can attract into your life what you spend your time focusing on, meditating on and desiring.

When the time for her 'more' came, she was ready and firing on all cylinders. The remarkable thing about her story for me, was the principles I gleaned from it. I have written these principles and have begun to meditate on it to apply in my personal and business life, and I would like to share it with you:

1.She was well positioned: I believe her reason for investing in real estate by the city gate, was to be able to view the men(her prospects) who came into the city and ensure that she selected the choicest ones. I also believe that a deeper reason was that she wanted to be one of the 1st to know when her change came. she was expectant, not only in her words, but in her actions.

2. She Had the kings ear: She must have been on 'top of her game' because the king knew her by name! Now imagine President Jonathan knowing your name and sending his personal body guards to deliver a message to you. She was no ordinary street worker, she must have been skilled in her ability to turn tricks (eye rolling!). It inspired me to decide to continue to do my best in all that I do, so that I can stand before kings.

3. She had the kings trust: The king trusted her so much that he acted on the information she supplied immediately  He did not need to seek advice from the council of elders, he just sent his men to act on the information she supplied. I suspect that she had given him vital information in the past the proved very useful, so she had earned his trust, so much so that he did not question her. This sister had a good reputation and I was challenged by this.

4. She was street savvy and knew the word out there: She told the soldiers Joshua sent; 'My country is afraid of you and your God, I know we are in trouble!' She must have been engaging in more than sexual exchange with the men that visited her. I am guessing she was an intellectual(lol), engaging them in current affairs and politics to ensure she was up to date with the happenings of her city. She knew how to utilize her influential connection for her benefit. I don't think she was a user because she was offering them a service, but she knew how to 'maximize' her return on investment!

5. She was a master negotiator: She didn't beat around the bush with the men Joshua sent. She told them you have to save me and my family and she negotiated the terms of the agreement and extracted a commitment from them. When I was in sales, I was always taught to focus on closing the sale, and this sister was a closer!

6. She was unselfish: As street savvy as she was and as interested in her survival as she was, she was not a selfish woman. She negotiated a deal that covered her self, her parents, her siblings and all her relatives! She must have realized that success is only sweet when you have people to share it with. She also knew that if you gain in all and loose the things that are most precious to you, you become a bigger looser! She was a wise woman!

7. She knew how to keep her end of the deal: The men from Joshua gave her conditions to ensure that they met her request and she made sure she kept it to the letter. She understood the act of following through. She was a woman of integrity! Now you know why I call her the Harlot who changed the game, because she wanted more for her life and was willing to do what it took to get it.

The epilogue of this story is that she and her family were saved. She later married a man from Israel and found her way into the lineage of Jesus Christ. For me she represents the story of 2nd chances, she represents the blue print for turning your life around and she shows that no matter what you situation is right now, with wisdom and direction, you can turn it around.

I dare to hail her and say; many harlots have tried but she excelled them all and changed her life for good. What is you current station in your life or business or career? How would you change the game? 

I would really appreciate your comments in the box below

The Magic of Dreaming again!

Re: Good woman=Bad sex?- I got a couple of feedbacks about this article, especially from men! They complain that the 'good' girls are also the fastest to slack on the action. Some ladies even asked: how am I supposed to be good at 'it' when I don't have much experience? Well, if you want to learn more about money or your career, what do you do? You research, speak to experts, read books and sometime watch some educative material(wink!). So I guess the same tips would apply on your journey to becoming a sexpert or Amazon. God would help us o!

The curtain lifted, the music got louder and louder, Techno music had never sounded so exhilarating  The models danced out, the energy was infectious  I felt like I was in a party and it was holding in such an amazing location with state of the art objects all around me. I was excited, I was dancing and jumping, I felt like a child again! Finally my dream was coming to fruition. Laughter and tears of joy flowed simultaneously,then suddenly the whizzing of the mosquito jolted me back to reality, no I wasn't sleeping, I had just closed my eye's and allowed my self to dream again.... It felt so good, it had been far too long since I indulged my fantasies, I had swallowed the bitter pill called reality and allowed it to lodge in my throat for the longest time! 

So what sort person do you think you are, my therapist asked? Are you a pessimist or an optimist. I smiled slightly remembering the days when I used to believe that cars could drive on water(remember the Bank phb advert?) and that there was nothing I couldn't do if I just tried. Oh well! those were days of ignorance I thought, after several hard knocks, I have finally eaten humble pie.....I am a realist I responded with an assured look on my face and then went ahead to explain how I had learnt to set achievable goals, plan realistically and not be overly ambitious, that way, I would never have to bite more than I can chew.

Oddly enough, I left that day, feeling that something was missing. Despite my eloquent explanation of my 'realistic' approach to life, I still felt like there was something off, I seem to have fallen short in certain ways, but I didn't know how. The next morning I sat pondering about the discussion, what could be wrong? now that my life had finally gotten to a stable tandem, where was the discomfort coming from again?

Then I whispered to my spirit, what could be wrong? Is there any thing I am not doing? And I heard: You have stopped believing, You have stopped dreaming! You don't give me much raw material to work with anymore. All your goals are things you can achieve by your self. You don't dream big anymore! Well it's not that I don't dream big I argued, its just that after making so much effort to make the 'big dreams' happen and failing at it, I have adjusted my expectation. You can't blame me can you I responded accusingly. Then the conversation continued; who told you I wanted you to make it happen for your self? When you dream the desires I put in your heart, I would make it happen for you!

Your dreams are a deposit into the bank of your future, they are a proof that you have a great future ahead. They are also raw material for the universe to work with to create the future you desire. When you dream, it does not mean you loose sight of today's reality, it just means that you create a great outcome for your future. Why did I stop dreaming:

1. Fear that my dreams won't come true: I have tried to make several aspirations and goals happen in the past and have achieved mediocre success in some cases. This made me believe that my goals and dreams have been unrealistic. Maybe they were, but when the dreams are bigger, you need a bigger 'hand' to execute it. When I used my own hand to execute it and failed, I got discouraged.

2. Fear of rejection: When you have attempted several projects/dream/goals and not achieved much success, you can develop a fear of rejection. You subconsciously begin to plan for rejection and failure, which affects your ability to take steps in future.

3. Fear of loss of Control: Most of us have a need to control our situation and ensure that we can determine the outcome. A constant need to determine the outcomes would reduce our ability to step out of our comfort zone and take risks. However when we realize that we were never in control anyway, we are able to relax and trust that the Almighty would bring his ordained outcomes to us.

So I decided to start dreaming again, but this time, I would do it differently, I would let the source of the dreams and desires make it happen for me. Now I close my eye's and let go of the fear and dream freely. It 's like magic......................

Be empowered,

Tale.

Are you a dreamer or have you given up on your dreams,are you willing to dream again? please share.

Good woman=Bad sex?

I wrote this article I am about to share for a newspaper I am supposed to be contributing to, though it has been delayed, I thought to share it with you because I had a conversation with a Man yesterday and he raised the issue. Read to the end before you crucify me o,(remember its a blog about empowering you to become a 5 Star woman).....Wink!

The Topic sounds weird right? But don’t raise your eyebrow at me yet till you hear my stories…. Some time ago I sat on a table across some guys in a restaurant and could not help but eaves drop on their conversation. One of them Mr. X admitted to be seriously looking for a wife, as he believed it was time to settle down and start a family. But how far with Lucy your babe, his friend Mr. Y asked. He frowned, Lucy ke? “Lucy no be wife material now! But the babe can get down ehn” he said with a wide grin on his face. Then hurried to add that once he found a good woman who could take care of the home and his kids, he would not let Lucy out of the picture because of her amazing sexual skills…..

On another occasion, I travelled out of the country on a business trip and like most prudent business women; I shared a room with a few other ladies I got acquainted with. In the course of a nice girl conversation, one of them proudly told us that her husband had said he would not demean her by having oral sex with her, as that was reserved for only prostitutes! Hmm! The other day, she expressed fears that her husband seems to be cheating and do you wonder like me, whether he was paying a visit to the prostitutes?

So what is this age old assumption by some men that good wife materials cannot also have sexual prowess? Or are they really telling the truth? How about the opposite, that when a woman is sexually attractive the assumption is made that she cannot make a good wife? 

Where did all these come from? I suspect the origin is our traditional upbringing where girls from decent homes were taught how to cook, clean and take care of the home, while sex was downplayed or never even spoken about and these “good girls” end up marrying guys who are very exposed. The guys in turn knowing the type of upbringing these girls have, make a decision that they would enjoy the benefits they bring as homemakers while they satisfy their sexual fantasies somewhere else.

These days I know a few ladies who have made up their minds to be all rounders, deciding that they would be a lady in the day and a sex kitten at night. I hear someone say;’abeg it’s not easy jare” and any way, a man who would cheat, would cheat whatever be the case. This might be true, but I think we can learn a lesson or two from our all round sisters who are making it happen. I spoke to Karima my well rounded friend and she shared these tips with me on what a woman needs to be to her man:

1.     The best friend and confidant: When he has an issue, idea, question or worry, you should be the first person he should pick up the phone to call or discuss it with. Yes he has his male friends or his female colleagues, but you should be his number one cheerleader and supporter. You need to develop a shock absorber and sometimes learn to swallow your words, but if you can do this, you would always be privy to information that can affect you and your children’s future.

2.     The Home administrator: this is similar to the homemaker, who takes care of the home. The smart thing about the administrator is that she does not have to do everything by herself; she just has to ensure that everything is done at the right time. She would outsource where necessary and get help where needed, but everything would be done seamlessly most of the time leaving her enough time to still look like she did not lift a finger…

3.     The personal concierge: a concierge usually takes care of high net worth individual’s travel itinerary. As a personal concierge, you appoint yourself his ‘personal assistant’. Ensure that you help with his financial planning, are up to date with his business or career goals and help him manage his relationships. Karima says that men like intelligent women who don’t rub it in their faces, but are able to offer necessary assistance when needed.

4. The masseuse: I rolled my eyes too when Karima told me about this, but yes she has some exotic oils on her table to rub him in places that hurt and pleasure him in the right places also. She is also very skilled in positions and touch points. Karima says she gets her man to say “thank you ma” at least three times a week after she has expertly performed her role as facilitator and collaborator in sexual affairs. Na wha!

5.     The spiritual director: I slanted my eyes when she made this point. And asked; spiritual director ke? Especially because I have not caught my breath after the last point. Oh yes, I pray for him she says. I ensure that I am constantly directing his affairs in the spiritual to ensure that things work out in the natural. And as he gets more successful, I pray harder because I know he is becoming more attractive to loose Lucy.

I left Karima tripping at the fact that I had underestimated the prowess of this quiet unassuming lady. So women, lets squash the equation above and do our best with our men. Let the almighty be the judge that we have done our part, so he can do his part….

Is Karima telling the truth or is she just plain old school? Please over to you, I would really love to read your comments in the comment box below.

Professional enrichment: What happens between seed and harvest?

-As long as the earth remains, seed-time and harvest would not cease-Genesis 8: 22

I  grew up a quiet and very introspective child. It must have been because my parents always pounded it in my ear to think! Maybe because they felt my wonderful and active older brother did not give thought to some of his actions, so they had to inject it into me that I had to THINK! And think was what I did for most of my childhood. Another aspect of my personality however, was impatience. I was a very impatient child. To the saying; a patient Dog gets the fattest bone, I always responded: After all the sharp Dogs have gotten the juiciest one's! I did not want to be slow abeg, I wanted to always get ahead.

Fast forward many years later, my Son David is one boisterous child! I am glad he is smart and loves his school books, but he can be so impatient. I wanted to loose my temper at his impatience the other day, but I held myself back when I remembered my own childhood impatience.

David looking quiet, I wish!

The interesting thing is that I carried this impatience to my corporate life. I considered my self a fast learner, so I did not understand why I had to stay on one level for too long. I silently disdained people who had been doing the same job for donkey years! I couldn't understand how they could have been that patient and enduring of what I considered boring routine. The good thing about my impatience, was that I learnt fast and rose fast in my career. The negative thing is that I made some rash, hurried decisions and was unnecessarily competitive. I think I missed some amazing life learning experiences in my race to get up the ladder fast....

When I became a christian, I always used to hear the preaching of seed and harvest, as nice as it sounded, I just didn't get it! Why should I spend five years in school sowing the seed of knowledge acquisition only to spend two years at home trying to get a job? Or 3 years on the same level when I eventually get the job? Or why did I dedicate two years of my life trying to get an MBA and learn how to run a business only to finally start the business and still be struggling? What up with this seed and harvest principle sef?

One day I heard a Pastor say that between seed and harvest, was the 'time' it took for what we had sowed to germinate and grow, and I got that, but why did it take so long? Or why did it never seem to happen before people gave up on their seeds and moved on? Why do we have to even wait? why don't we just pour fertilize on the seed or use some laser growth instrument(whatever that is) that would make the seed grow fast and become a fruit? This thinking seeped into my sub-conscious so much that I began to take matters into my own hands aka 'make it happen for me'

It seemed to be working! I learnt how to find 'legal' shortcuts, how to work smart(I am not saying that's bad) and how to negotiate my way through things. Negotiation in it's self is not a bad thing, as long as we know how to draw the line between negotiation and manipulation.... So I promptly threw away the gospel of seed time and harvest, there is always away if you look for it I told myself. However, it all began to unravel; artificially formed relationships with no foundation, projects started on bravado, with no depth of understanding, growth in career and business with no substance. It didn't unravel at once, it was a gradual process, every stage with it's own painful experience.

Then I took a back sit and spent months examining what went wrong, I found out that no matter how smart you are, you can't circumvent the process of Life. If you manage to dodge a few times, it would wait for you in front, where you least expect it. So what happens between seed and harvest?

1. Growth in learning: If you go through the process correctly, not only would you learn what to do, you would understand why you do it. You would become a true expert at it and you would be able to do it without a 'manual'. This applies in your career or business pursuit.

2. Stability and depth: You would not only learn how to do it, you would do the same thing or similar things so many times, that you would be confident and comfortable about doing it and then you would be ready to build on what you have learnt.

3. Decision making: I was taught to think on my feet when I was in business school, and I pride myself about mastering this skill. I am hardly ever caught unaware without having something to say, but I have learn't that it is okay to take your time to make decisions. To examine all sides of the coin, to seek wise counsel and to wait for the right timing before you move. Which brings me to the fourth thing:

4. Timing: There is a time for every things says the wise king Solomon. As much as you can make it happen if you try, there is nothing as beautiful and flawless as when it happens at the right time. You might be in so much of a hurry for things to work out that you miss the beauty of the process, the knowledge of patience that comes only with learning to wait, the magnificence of the outcome when time and chance finally happens!

Maturity, experience and the wisdom of God is teaching me how to pace my self more and enjoy my moments in this journey of building a business and a life. I am no longer in a hurry! He makes all things beautiful in its time. Now I finally understand the principle of seed and harvest and I am learning; the journey doesn't have to be so painful, if we walk in tandem with God's timing.

Have your learnt to wait? Are you waiting for something? How are you waiting? Please share your experience in the comment box below. I would really love to hear from you.

Be Empowered,

Tale.

A tribute to the women of power! Friends,family & Rolemodels

I sat down listening to the lady as she lamented about how women were the stumbling blocks to other women, of how she shuddered anytime she was told that her meeting would be with another woman, or the person going to make the decision was a woman. She said when it was a man, her heart lit with hope and assurance that she was about to secure the deal, but when it was a woman her heart sank because she just felt she would be another vindictive person trying to hinder her success.

As I listened to her, I realized how lucky I must be! Maybe because I am a woman's woman, I have had a lot of positive experiences with my female folks. I am not saying there have not been negative experiences, like the childish and malicious gossip in my secondary school and university days; but for the most part, I have been so blessed with wonderful sisters, friends and role models. The girls have got my back.

That's why I write this tribute to the women of power: Women who have touched my life in the last one year. Some are no longer friends, some I have lost touch with because I am such a bad politician and some I never spent time with, but I bask in the euphoria of the words I heard them speak, the day I was in their presence. So here goes:

1. To the Alimi Women- Abosede, Ifeanyichukwu and Maria(my mum by the way): The Alimi women are women of grace, prayer and hope. They are the best sister's and mum a girl could ever ask for. They have stood by me like a rock, they have played with their boisterous nephew and grand son when I needed a breather, they have cried with me, when my heart was about to burst with tears of sorrow. They have prayed for me and made tomorrow assured. They have loaned me money when I was down to my last dime, and they have bought me clothes when I was running out of a tangible wardrobe  They are my sisters, my friends, My mum, my confidants, my gist partners and my anchor women. Alimi means knowledge in Arabic, they are truly knowledgeable women. I salute you women of power!

2. To My OSU Sisters- Mokesoluwa, Abiodun, Olubunmi and Bukola: If I never pray again for the rest of my life, I know that somewhere, some how, you would pray for me. You have chastised me harshly in the past, when you thought I went too far. I sometimes felt like an outcast in the midst of such godly women, when godliness was the last thing on my mind and all I wanted to do was have fun. But through our up's and down's you have all remained constant. I feel your prayers, I sense your good wishes and I know you felt my pain that despite all our years of groaning in God's presence, life would throw us such curve balls. But I rejoice in the fact that despite all we have been through, we have remained champions, we have remained his children. Women of power, I salute you!

3. To Toyosi Akerele: You were my closest friend for the last 3 years. Though we are no longer friends because of the differences in our ideology, you would always have a special place in my heart. I would never forget that traumatic night in 2010, when you stayed with me on the phone for 3 hours as I cried an ocean and packed slowly while I closed that chapter of my life. You were strong, when I was weak, you were laughter while I could only cry, you stood as hope that I could move on. You told me vehemently that if you and your mother could do it, then I can too. You showed me how, you introduced me to more helpers and you pushed me to move on( although sometimes to path's I didn't want to go). I celebrate you, not because the world knows your name and celebrates you, but because despite all your outward strength, I always saw you, as a vulnerable human being, who was determined to make a difference against all odds. I salute you woman of power!

4. To Tara Fela-Durotoye: You have been my personal Agony Aunt. I have loved to hate you several times, but you have meant well. A lot of people might not know that you are above all you are, a woman of God, a daughter of Zion. Those days when I ranted to you for hours, waiting for you to take my side, you always referred me back to him and told me to find my answers in God. You took your time to instruct me in wisdom  some times I have dropped the phone after speaking to you in annoyance, wondering why you were so objective! But a lot of times, I have sat in you office and poured my heart and you have listened like you had no problems of your own. I apologize if I was selfish, but the therapy must have worked, because I don't come anymore and instead I am able to give to others, like you gave to me. Thank you for also giving your time and money to my many projects, like the Empowering women series and the Business side of fashion. You have been a true friend, sister and role model. Woman of power, I salute you.

5. Women of substance-Aunt Nike Ogunlesi, Aunt Susan Eyo Honesty, Udo Okonjo, Mo Abudu: I know I can, because you just do it! I look up to all of you and I am encouraged that if I climb on your shoulders or continue to study your success stories from afar, I can make it. Aunt Nike, you are a role model in a million. I speak to you about twice a year, but every time we speak, that one hour of conversation shapes my life and business decision for the year. You show me how to do it and tell me not to be afraid and I am able to leap and keep doing it. Aunt Susan, you are the epitome of the come back. Your faith in God is admirable, and you are unselfish with opening doors for me. The door you opened for me in City people remains open despite the fact you have move forward, You are a remarkable woman. Aunt Udo and Ms Mo, my encounters with you have been brief, but remarkable. I am in awe at you ability to break new grounds, create new territories and set new standards. You are the modern day super women and when I grow, I hope to be a business woman as you both are. Women of substance and power, I salute you!

Finally, I salute you as you read this write up and are trying to navigate your own path in life. I know you would make it, because God created you to be a champion. No matter what life throws at you, please stand and become the greatness that you have the capacity to become. I salute YOU!

Stay Empowered

Tale.

N.B-Please share your own stories of women who have touched you life in the comment box below.

The Blessing of Moving on: No regrets, Lessons learnt!

Happy international women's day! I celebrate all the amazing women who have touched my life in the last one year. Would write a tribute to them on Monday. Now back to the topic:

Days have gone by, seasons have passed, they say time heals all wounds, as much as I agree, I can't help but wonder; is time just a healer, or is it also a plastic surgeon? Why does my heart feel so different? No I don't feel the pain any more, but I am puzzled, not by what I feel, but by the fact that I don't feel any more. I am Numb!

Several times I have prayed and cried to God; help me forgive, help me not to hold any grudges, help me not to harbor bitterness and sincerely, I believe my prayers have been answered. But what happened to my ability to feel? What happened to the excitement that usually comes when you watch that romantic movie or you see that special person that makes your heart flutter? What happened to the eagerness that comes with dressing up for a date or a special event? Why has everything become a routine? Did Dr 'Time' heal my heart and forget to put back the excitement? or what really went wrong during the 'Broken heart' reconstruction surgery?

I have admired several people in my life time, but the people I admire the most are the people with the blessing of moving on and the gift of the come back. I used to pride myself to be one of such. I remember my very good friend in the past Toyosi, she was extremely gifted with gift of the come back. She was down so often, but she picked her self up so fast, that you never knew she had been down, I used to watch in awe those days and wonder how she did it. Or my friend X(who is still my very good friend, so I can't reveal her name) who went through several relationships with different men, who proved to be less than men, but she never let it get her down, she keeps believing, keeps hoping, that one day she would kiss her Prince, so she never stops giving love a chance. Oh how fortunate are they that have the blessing of moving on.

I was feeling down once again, about this person who has refused to take up his responsibilities  I almost regretted ever setting my eye's on him, but the smile of the beautiful little boy that looks just like him, keeps me focused on the present. 

In my brooding, I read an article in the February edition of "O" magazine, where the author spoke about her perspective about moving on. She spoke about going through a divorce and feeling like a failure, but her friend asked her: Did you have good times in that relationship? Did you learn anything? She realized it has not been all bad, and she had indeed learnt a few things. Then her friend asked, did every project you have being involved in that came to an end, mean that you failed at it? No it doesn't mean failure, it just means it ended! So sometimes in relationships, no matter how painful it is, it might come to an end, but the important thing is that we glean all we can and learn lessons that would help us become better people in future.

So back to me; what happened to my feelings, why did I loose my excitement  I learnt some simple reasons, that I want to share with you:

1. You loose excitement, when you loose expectation: Because someone we care for disappoints us, our perspective becomes colored and we think that every one who gets close to us stands a chance of disappointing us, so we develop a defense mechanism to lower our expectations, so that we would not be disappointed again if they don't keep their word. 

2. Trust should be bestowed on a case by case basis: Just because someone disappointed you, doesn't mean you should not trust the world again, it just means that you should give every individual a chance to earn your trust. If you don't open up to the opportunity to trust another person, you would live a shielded and   empty life.

3. You can love again!: So someone broke your heart and it seems like your world is going to end? No Sir! No Ma, you can love again! When God made us, he put the ability to love in our DNA, nobody has the power to steal it from you without your permission  Love can be for a person, or a business or a passion, no matter how many times your heart has been broken or how many times things didn't work out the way you wanted, pick up yourself, receive the blessing of moving on and keep going......

This is not just a write up, but it is an advise to my self; Bamitale-No regrets, Lessons learnt, keep moving!

Has life thrown you a dent? How have you or are you dealing with it? Please share in the comment box below:

Stay Empowered
Tale.

What happened to my gratitude?

It was happening again! The sudden loss of air, the panic attacks..... The frequency in occurrence had increased recently. Now I was really angry, not only was it affecting the state of my mind, it was now affecting my health. I had gotten to the height of it! Why does every thing seem to be going wrong, what did I do to deserve this? my mind reeled looking for who to blame... Now this is the worst part: not finding any one to blame! So if no one was at fault, so who was the cause of it? Some one has to be at fault? Then it came to me....It must be me! Oh how sad, I am about to go down the pathway of dissatisfaction and depression, but something stopped me short!

My therapist came to my rescue once again. I had gone off the tangent so many times in the past. He was getting tired of my pity party and constant complaining. I would whine and whine about how things didn't seem to be working, about how I was making so much effort and nothing was happening, so why should I be blamed for being so unhappy? Did he think I did not want to be a happy person, if only things would just go well...and on and on I whined away, while he just sat and watched me.

When I was done, he asked me one question: Does the world have to be perfect for you to be happy? I was about to begin my whining again, but he cut me short. Do you know that happiness is a choice he asked? A choice not dependent on your circumstances and situation, but on a decision to just be happy! He was making sense, but he does not understand, I am owing so and so money and I don't have any idea how to pay it and my health has not being in the best place lately. So how can I choose to be happy when some one else is not happy because of what I did or did not do? He looked at me and shook his head, as if to say; you would always find an excuse if you keep searching....

Are you doing something to make the situation better, he finally asked? Then I nodded my head in affirmative, slowly coming to the realization that I was actually making all the effort I could. Then decide to be happy and let the decision not be based on the fact that everything is perfect, but on the fact that you are doing your best and that the Almighty is also working behind the scenes to make everything work out well.

I thought deeply about what he said after our session and I realized that not only had I lost my peace in the last few months, I had also lost my gratitude! I remember the days when I used to be grateful for the tiniest things...That I drove from Ojota to Ikeja on an empty tank and the car did not stop on the road, that I found 100 naira in a bag I hadn't carried in a long time when I was still in the university, and it was enough for me to buy a day's meal...Or just for the pleasure of reading a good book. Gratitude was my staple in those days and life used to be so good. 

It seemed as if the universe drank in the stream of my gratitude and multiplied it several time over. Thank you Jesus, used to be my favorite slogan, but now all I could see was everything that was not working!What happened to my gratitude?

I changed my perspective that day and made a decision, I said to myself; I choose to be happy from this day on, no matter what my situation is. It was like the veil was torn open, because suddenly, I realized the miracles my creator had been bestowing on me every day and I had taken it for granted because they did not seem glamorous or spectacular. I began to realize that no matter how bad it got, there was a way, no matter how hard things seemed, I never lost my vision or my sense of hope. 

I learnt a few lessons that day:

1. Without a sense of gratitude, you loose your peace: For me, gratitude is a state of thankfulness for the gift of life and all the beautiful things that the gift brings. It is an appreciation of the blessing of God in expectation that his promises would come to pass in your life. When you are grateful, your sense of peace increases.

2. You can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances: Before then, happiness used to be about what was going wrong or right in my life, but I have realized that happiness is a state of mind that I have to constantly choose no matter what I am going through. Life would bring up's and down's, challenges and triumph's, we might not be able to control that, but we can make a choice to be happy!

3. Stay positive: A positive state of mind always gives birth to creative avenues to improve your circumstances. One of the fastest ways to generate positive energy, is spending time to reminisce about the goodness of people and God to you. It increases your sense of gratitude and gives you the energy to go on.

Have you lost your gratitude? Please get it back!

Would love to hear from you in the comment box below;

Stay empowered,

Tale.

Rolemodel Friday: Ode to the Millennium Lady:1936-2000

The news headlines were buzzing, it was all over the papers, the World was about to change!

We heard all sort of stories....computers would crash, the world might end, cars might stop moving and on and on the rumor mills went. It was a field day for the armature gossip columnists. All of a sudden 'experts' on the millennium were being minted every where, but she lay in the hospital bed oblivious of all the excitement and activity around her. I suspect she was the one really having the experience of a life time, she was about to meet her maker............

My grandmother was a rare gem. I know people might say that about their grand parents, but mine was extra special. I was totally in love with her. She was style personified. Her life was a mixture of paradoxes; She had been the wife of a rich man and entertained influential guests most of her life, but she was humble and simple till the last day.

She always appeared frail, especially during the last days, but she was a strong willed woman. I remember waking up in the early hours of the morning to her soft tunes as she sang in her native language. I would always run to her and greet; Mama Oghene, and she would touch me and reply Oghene nwam in delta Ibo.

I would interrogate her for hours curious about her childhood, the kind of life she lived, what sort of man her husband was- he passed on 16 years before her and if she was happy. Those were fascinating times...

I found out that she had been the most beautiful young maiden in her village, her husband had come home from Enugu as a prosperous young man in search of a wife and of course, he had being presented with the 'crown' jewel.

She settled into marital life quickly and began to breed like they used to. But hers was a bit different, because she had married a powerful man who had an appetite for light skinned women. Soon after, he married a second and a third, each one lighter than the last! She lived with the fact that she was no longer the favorite wife, but that did not stop her from carrying her self with dignity, and organizing the compound.

I once asked her; ''why did you not re-marry, since your husband died when you were still young and the tradition of the time was that you were to marry his brother or another relative. She said she vehemently refused! because she had, had one marriage to last a life time. He was an authoritarian man, who took charge of his family and ensured his wives were well disciplined. She regaled me with tales of times when he would send her out to call her friends to sleep with him ( and they would come!) while she stayed away to give them privacy and when she came back, they would all pretend that everything was fine. As she told me, I knew it had hurt her, but those were the traditions of the day and meeeeen, my grand dad must have been and  Adonis!!

She was not school educated, but was quick to tell us to spend time on our studies, because she believed it was the key to our liberation. Her famous line to her children was; 'keep looking at your book, if you look hard enough, you would understand it' How hilarious she was, such good spirit and cheerful countenance.

She was a caring women and extremely selfless. She was always giving out all her money and to this day has infected all of us to be givers. I had never seen my Father shed a tear until the day she died, of course he quickly wiped it away so that we would not see as a 'strong' Air force officer cried. But that day, I understood that I was not the only one who had loved her so dearly.

She always said matter of fact; the day any other man sees my nakedness is the day I would die. I remember my last visit to her on her hospital bed; She was going in and out of consciousness and then her wrapper fell off her body, with the doctor standing there. Then and there, I knew it was time..............

I always used to say to her in my bid to spite my lovely mum; that when I have my own babies, she would be the one to come and stay with me, but alas she did not live to see David born in 2008. But she lives in my heart and some lessons I learnt from her that I would never forget are:

1. Take a licking and keep on kicking: Life had thrown her curve balls and incidents that had made her cry, but she refused to be down and out. she always kept a brave face and kept on going like she was saying to the world; I am still here, come get me!

2. Clean up nicely, no matter the contents of your pocket: My Grand ma was the queen of 'put together'. When it was time for an event or a party, she would wear her nicest and favorite clothes, bring out her lone coral bead, and wear her eye pencil and kajal nicely. She could clean up nicely, you would think she was worth a million bucks, but she wasn't!

3. Get your priorities right: I watched her everyday I was home from school. Her priorities were always before her. She would wake up early in the morning to make sure breakfast was ready and the house was clean. She would tend to her little ice block making business and then ensure that everyone's clothes were ready for the day. She did not have to do all these, but it was her habit that she had formed for years. Family was important to her and she made it her priority.

4.Smile, no matter what you are up against: I don't know how she managed to keep her self happy and smiling but she smiled. She was at her happiest when everyone was happy. Yes she had down times, when she grumbled or was excessively strict, but she was excitable like a child. Her smile was always a breath of fresh air.

5. Always keep your head up: I mean literally! The woman walked like she had it going on! There was always an air of self respect around her, even as she was getting older and beginning to bend, she always tried to carry her head up. More like; life might be making me bend with it's weight, but I am going to keep my head up and keep moving!

It's been 13 years since she left us and if we could choose the date we leave the earth, I suspect she chose the year 2000. She always made a quiet statement, she was real royalty to me!

Who is a true role model to you, and what have you learnt from the person? Please share your thoughts in the comment box below.

Stay empowered
Tale