I do or I don’t! Conversation on Culture, Marriage and 21st century realities

The first time I saw Barbie on cable tv in the 80’s and 90’s, I instantly found my first role model. She was exquisite, put together and very sophisticated. Though she was Caucasian (white), she was the young girl I wanted to be and just when I thought there couldn’t be more to this fantasy, I was introduced to Ken! He was Sauvé, handsome, taller than her and seemed totally enthralled by her.

Oh what a lucky doll Barbie was! She had the whole world at her feet and her prince charming to go with it. And thus began my journey as an incurable romantic-A 7 year old girl in search for her ‘happily ever after’.

The sneaky conversations of excited teenage girls giggling over their crushes on lanky teenage boys slowly turned into more serious conversations with Mothers openly telling their daughters to become serious about finding suitors-aka Future husbands.

I had those teenage crushes, especially for the Hausa guys (Circa Boko haram o!). They were always so deliciously handsome and some were actually gentlemen. Especially guys like Mohammed whose Dad owned a Major magazine in Kaduna and brought me copies regularly as a sneaky way of saying I ‘dig’ you in Primary(Now year 3 according to my son's school)3! It was all so romantic for me despite the fact that I couldn't figure out what the heck they were talking about in the magazines.

When I got to secondary school, I got tired of the teenage boys, they were suddenly too ‘immature’ for me, plus my Big Bro was not having any of that for his younger sisters. My crushes moved to my Dad’s Orderlies (A term for assistant in the Military), especially the hot Hausa guys……. Between studying to keep my grades up to retain my position as Daddy’s favorite ‘efiko’ and getting my hands on my first copies of Mills and Boons( Now Barbie was  childish at this point), I fantasized about my Prince charming. I didn’t even see the need for a real Boyfriend I was getting all the romance I needed in my mind…………

Then the rude awakening came in my late teens; it was not about boy meets girl anymore. It was now about preparing yourself to be a suitable wife in not so distant future. My fantasy was turning to frustration as I was pummeled about dressing like a lady, keeping a home and ensuring I was a good cook.  I thought I was alone in the ordeal, until my friends confided in me that their Mothers were putting them through similar ordeals. The reality of our existence was coming to bare for us… despite that fact that I was the best in my class in secondary school and I was an above average student in university, my intelligence did not mean much if I could not hook a suitor and become a ‘Mrs’!

The societal pressure for women to get married is real and some women have unfortunately succumbed to this pressure and married the wrong men. The brave ones have dealt with their failed choices by going through the pain of divorce and what used to be a little girl’s fantasy of love and happily ever after has become a night mare.

Things are changing in the 21^st century however; as Mother’s who went through the pain of staying in a bad marriage because they were financially dependent on the men have encouraged their daughters to strive for more and become strong independent women. For the first time women take pride in their ability to stand shoulder to shoulder with their Male counterparts and earn their own Money.

Some men are even relieved that they don’t have to be the sole bread winners anymore and are heard making statements like; ‘I don’t want any woman who would be a liability to me o!’

However, like every development in society that has advantages, consequent disadvantages lie in the fact that there now seems to be more successful and eligible women than their male counterparts. Also because of the time frame it takes to get to a certain level of career comfort, women are single in their 30’s and 40’s….

We are now faced with secret questions in our heart; should we marry down aka a Man not as successful and accomplished as us? Should we start approaching men? Or should we keep our heads up and remain single? But then what happens when we face lonely nights and a need for companionship?

Then the single woman begins to think; maybe our Mother’s pressures in the last decade were not so bad after all. Maybe if we have heeded it we would not be fabulously single and sometimes lonely….. And the divorced single woman or mum is wondering; what if I had not made the choice to marry that guy or succumb to the pressure to get married, maybe I won’t have had a bad marriage in my resume or be having to raise a child(en) alone…

How about the unhappy married woman who still has her ‘Mrs’ title? She seems like the luckiest of the three scenarios, but her outward composure does not betray the pain and anguish of an unhappy marriage.

I had a conversation with my dear single friend the other day and I told her that to be single is better to be in an unhappy marriage and she said; I have heard that a lot of times, but I don’t know if I believe it as the nights seem to get lonelier….

Marriage is a beautiful institution, especially when it is a good and happy marriage with two partners supporting each other. I don’t know the answer to all the questions and I don’t know what the best choice to make is; but I still remain a ‘hopeful’ romantic despite my own mistakes and believe that eventually, we can have it ‘all’, whatever that means to you………

This is one topic where I would really appreciate your opinions. Single, married, divorced, what is your take?

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Love and Peace

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