Good things take time....

As I walked into the magnificent building, I was intrigued by the beautiful architecture and sophisticated design. I couldn't help but wonder if the owner had suddenly come into some money to enable him to build such master piece. As I sat in his tasteful office to discuss the purpose of our meeting, I asked how he built this. He responded with a smile; it has been a 22 year journey……………..

Patience has never been one of my strong points! I used to struggle with sitting in waiting rooms or receptions waiting to have a meeting or see someone. I would get annoyed when I had to wait over one hour for a meeting that would last for 10 minutes, until I realized that the annoyance wasn’t going to make things easy. Then I decided to go everywhere with a book or a magazine which helped me occupy myself and get some self-development till I was attended to.

I realized I was not alone in the ‘impatience train’ when I began to observe people in a hurry to get ahead in queues or speeding hurriedly on the highway or even trying to get ahead in their careers faster than they are qualified for. I have also witnessed this in the advancement of technology, where everything seems to work at the speed of light (which has its advantages). Or artificially induced growth in food where fruits now take less time to grow than when it is planted and nurtured normally.

As interesting as speed is, I have noticed a phenomenon; the things with higher value and quality takes more time to grow, produce or manufacture. Organically grown foods take more time to grow than their chemically induced counterparts. Handmade leather goods take more time than their machine woven counterparts, even couture gowns take weeks compared to a normal dress that can be made in hours. The truth is; good things take time.

This is not something we like to hear, but it is wisdom than can lead to lasting growth. A good marriage takes time, commitment, passion and effort, a good degree takes time, perseverance and effort, a great career or business takes time, persistence, hard work and smartness. Time is a factor measured by length of days, month or years and if you want something bad enough, you should be willing to commit the time to it.

As I listened to the man tell this story, I was curious to know what kept him going through that long journey until he got where he is today; and he shared three factors:

1.Passion: He said his passion, which was fueled by the dream he had kept pushing him to go ahead no matter what obstacles he had to confront. This passion took him through years of struggles and challenges, but he was convinced that if he kept at it, he would get where he wanted to go.

2. Discipline: He said he continually exercised discipline from making sure he got to work at 7am every morning, to ensuring that he denied himself material pleasures temporarily to attain a long term financial goal, even to ensuring that he did not eat after 6pm every day to maintain a healthy body and stature. He attests to the fact that this constant discipline has brought him farther than his contemporaries in the last 22years.

3. Drive: He is driven to constantly get better, improve himself and improve his business. He see life as a marathon (Check out Life is a Marathon article) and not a sprint and is constantly driving himself to attain greater heights to become all that he believes he can be.

I sit back and wonder if the same ambition and drive is not what pushes people to want to attain things in the shortest possible time? However I realize that though short term results and successes are possible and attainable, but the things that make greater more lasting impact take time.

As you journey through life and make decisions, don’t look for short cuts for things that need you to take the long route. Continue to work smart, but remember; Good things take time…..

Love and Peace

Tale
N.B: I think this would bless someone you know, so be kind and share…………..

We are in a Marathon!

As I was rounding off the interview with this amazing woman I was interviewing to write a case study for our upcoming book, I was so intrigued by her calmness that I wanted to throw in a curve ball with my next question and see how she would react, so I asked; ‘I know you have done well, but you have friends who are clearly more ambitious than you are and seem to have gone further, doesn’t that challenge you?’ She smiled at me and responded; ‘We are all running different races and I don’t compare myself with anyone, instead I remind myself that I am in a marathon’. Her answer astounded me and inspired this blog post…………

I love to run (or jog)! And it all started over 15years ago when I suddenly started gaining weight after I had been called a ‘skinny chicken’ for most of my secondary school days. I never used to be the athletic, but I knew I needed to do something about the weight, so one day; I wore my trainers and created a trail for myself. It’s been an interesting running experience ever since. However, every great runner knows that if you haven’t run a marathon, you are still an amateur! So I decided that I was going to run a marathon and commenced my research on what it took and I was shocked at my findings;

A marathon is a long distance endurance race which has an official distance of 42.195 kilometers’ which is equivalent to 26miles and 385yards. The world record time to complete a Marathon is 2hours, 3 minutes and 23 seconds and for the average Joe like me, it would probably take much longer. When I found out how long the distance was; I decided to aim for the half marathon instead, at least like they say; half bread is better than none!

As I thought about what the woman in the interview said; I realize that we are all in a Marathon called life. Like in the real Marathon, sometimes you get a bust of energy and you pick up your pace and run faster or sometimes you have no energy at all, your body has burnt up all the sugar and you are running on will power and discipline from months of training.

From my years of running, I have observed a phenomenon; as I am steadily beating down my trail, a runner overtakes me in full speed! When I was new at running, I used to be tempted to pick up my speed, but as I forced myself to maintain my pace and keep my energy so I can reach my set finish line, I usually see that ‘fast runner’ somewhere in front exhausted from using up all their energy by applying so much speed in the beginning of their race and I steadily overtake them and make it to the finish line.
Life is a marathon and like the bible says; the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. So in approaching the Marathon of life, I have learnt the following valuable lessons:

Start with your end goal in mind: What do you want to achieve or have achieved by the time you are done in this journey called life? The truth is I see different people running with their eyes sideways looking at how others are running and trying to run another person’s race. Stop looking out to find your goal, look inwards and determine your end goal.

Know your capacity: Once you have decided what your end goal is, know your capacity. Know what you are able to do or capable of doing. The truth is that we are all limited resources no matter how hard we want to push ourselves. So to thy self be true. Someone might have the capacity to work 18hours a day and you have the capacity to give 9 hours and you are tired. Be true to yourself and determine your capacity from the start. And once you determine your capacity, don’t try to be like anyone else. To each God had given his/her own.

Pace yourself: Now that you know your capacity, create a pace that fits you. In the book ‘great by choice’ Jim Collins featured Great companies who applied what he called the 20% rule. The rule was that they would only grow at 20% annually. They were not moved by their competitions that were growing at astronomical heights, they focused on growth that was sustainable and by pacing themselves they outperformed their competition. Once again, to thyself be true!

Push yourself to the finish line: When I run, there are days when I am really tired and I almost fill like giving up and stopping, but I always tell myself ‘you are a finisher’. In this race of life, there would be times when you want to stop or quit or just give it all up, but don’t give up. Like a popular preacher says; it’s not over until it’s over! Don’t give up before the finish line. Sometimes you might need to take a breather, but as long as you have set a correct pace, keep at it. If you haven’t set a correct pace, adjust your pace and keep going.
Remember, we are in a Marathon and you would win if you don’t quit! That’s what I love about Marathon’s; everyone who finishes within the time limit gets a medal!

Love and Peace
Tale
N.B: I think this would bless someone you know, so kindly share…………..

There is more to your life!

I have been on a deliberate writing hiatus from this blog because I was working on a book project. I set strict timelines for myself and thankfully the major writing is done…

I also had two wonderful weeks of family holidays/wedding celebration in Hamburg and London. For me it was a privilege to see a new country as I had never been to Germany and as I took in the serenity of the resort we stayed in Hamburg; I knew there was more to life!

I have suffered quite a number of setbacks in my lifetime and sometimes, when you are in the midst of a challenging situation, all your energies are focused on dealing with it that you forget there is more to life than what you are going through.

One of the popular sayings that have kept me sane through my toughest times is; ‘it is darkest before dawn’ and truth be told, it is really darkest before the first rays of morning light seeps in. And the challenge about being in absolute darkness is that at that moment, your brain is seeking light to focus on to lead it out of the darkness and it doesn’t seem to find the light!

 When I was a little girl, I used to play a game I themed; walking in the dark. The game was simply me closing my eyes when they took the light at night and trying to trace my steps to my room from wherever I was in the house. When I first started the game, I would try to open my eyes very wide in the darkness to seek some light to show me direction, but after some time, I realized it was not working. So I decided to start closing my eyes and looking for direction from my memory. I focused on using my hand as a guide and as I felt my way through the darkness, my hand sent signals to my brain and it drew directions from the memory of me being in that location when it was brighter. As I walked through the dark applying this method, I always found the way to my room.

Life can be like this sometimes….. When we are in the midst of deadlines, a challenging situation, a missed opportunity, a significant delay or even heart break, it seems like we are at the end of our ropes and there is no way out of it. But that’s just the voice of our circumstances or current situation speaking to us. Even if you can’t see a way out physically, you can do any or all of the following;

1.      Close your eyes and reach into your memory: Chances are you have been through what you are currently going through and overcome it. So reach into that memory of your past victory and draw strength from it.

2.      Draw inspiration from someone’s testimony: Even if you haven’t encountered this situation before, you must have heard of someone who went through what you are currently going through and overcame. Draw inspiration from that testimony and let it encourage your heart and give you hope.

3.      Keep an attitude of gratitude: One of the secrets I have learnt and I have spoken about severally in this blog is an attitude of gratitude. It is easy for us to find things to complain about, but if we channel that energy to look for things to be grateful for, our lives would be happier and more hopeful. I have also noticed that when I make a deliberate effort to be grateful, I keep getting more reasons to be grateful.

There is more to life than where you are today. Don’t let your current circumstances and situation put a full stop to your dreams. Always make sure that your dreams remain greater than your memories.

Love and Peace

            Tale

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! Recovering from Abuse-Part 1

---I sat staring at the TV screen I didn’t know when tears began to pour from my eyes, something she said resonated with me; it was the words of every woman who was a victim of abuse: ‘Maybe it is my fault’! I had this experience when watching ‘Why did I get married’ and ‘for colored girls’. I cried along with these women who blamed themselves for provoking the abuse or instigating the abuser. In their eyes, the abuser seemed to have done no wrong, maybe it was their fault………..

Over the weekend, whilst spending time with my siblings, I finally opened up about going through emotionally abuse. I had spoken to God about it several times and forgiven the instigator over and over again, but I had never really spoken about it to anyone.

Why did I not speak about it?

1.      Maybe it was my fault! I have heard this so many times in movies and reality from victims of abuse. They claim that they were the ones that provoked their abusers to physically assault them or emotionally insult them and degrade them.

2.      I was ashamed! We all go around looking put together like we have everything going well; it is very shameful to open up to people that this ‘well put together’ and absolutely intelligent person has been demeaned by a fellow human being.

3.      I had no physical evidence! I thank God for all the outrage against physical abuse and battering, but how do you show evidence of mental and emotional abuse? How do you tell people that your fellow human being has spoken all sorts of obscene words to you for so long, that you have begun to believe you do not have any worth or value? What is the physical evidence of this greatly damaging abuse that could be the cause of a lot of people ending up in mental wards?

Abuse like Myles Munroe says is the abnormal use of a thing. A lot of people are working around with great dysfunctions that have been triggered by one sort of abuse or the other. The sad thing about abuse is that it comes from a fellow human being. God commanded us to be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth and subdue. He told us to subdue the earth and not our fellow human beings.

A lot of victims of abuse are not first time victims unfortunately and that is why they continue to subject themselves to dysfunctional relationships. For example, a girl who has been told from a young age that she is ugly or lazy or a never do well, might seek validation from an abusive man because she thinks: if she can change the person’s opinion about her, she would have changed herself. Unfortunately, this makes her vulnerable to more abuse and can make her loose her sense of self-worth totally.

Emotional abuse is the most dangerous type of Abuse because like I earlier mentioned, there is no physical evidence to be treated, but the pain and consequence of it is evidenced in the behavior and decisions of the sufferer.

I have seen a few people that are self-destructive. They get into a good relationship and destroy it. They get a good job and sabotage it; they get a good opportunity and bungle it. To the ordinary eye they are plain stupid or crazy, but if you look deep within, they are only manifesting who they think they are! They don’t think they have any worth or value, so subconsciously they sabotage themselves……….

In part two, I would write about practical steps to recover from abuse, although I must admit it’s not a one day process. So if you have been a victim and have being in denial, maybe it’s time to admit it to yourself and know that; it is not your fault!

Have you being a victim of any sort of abuse? How did you deal with it? Please share and bless others…………..

Love and Peace

            Tale

Be Fabulous today!

I am currently on a spiritual discovery journey.... I sense the winds have turned and in these times you might not have clarity of sight, but the voice in the heart is quite clear. I am following the winds of Revelation and living each day in total surrender to the almighty in expectation that clarity would come as I take each step. 

Whilst I am at it; I am reading, meditating and listening to the rhythm of my heart. My sister just sent me this quote by the amazing Marianne Williamson. You have probably read it before, but this time around, don't just read it, take it innnnnnnnnnn and be fabulous today!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
 
Love and Peace

Tale

Are you a Strong Independent woman? This is for you!

Ode to the Strong Independent woman!

---She takes a look in the mirror one more time before she steps out of the house; she is the image of perfection! Every strand of her hair perfectly in place, her dress fit her like a glove; her makeup was so aptly applied you would almost miss it if you didn’t look closely. She stepped out with a deep sigh and got ready to face the world again. Nobody would ever know that she cried herself to sleep last night…

She has to confront the reality of the bills that consumed her. She could be the married woman who has been covering for her Husband by ensuring the bills are paid or that single woman struggling to take care of herself and her dependents or maybe that widow or single mum who struggles to pay fees and put food on the table. Whoever she is and wherever she is today, I salute her!

I always write from the heart; often inspired by my observation and personal life experiences. A few months ago, someone accused me that my writing showed too much emotion… The truth is she might be right, but I told her that I think that the emotions I express are a lot of people’s inner cry and dealings and that as I share my struggles and victories, maybe someone would receive the motivation and energy to keep going.

In my Mind’s ear, I heard the long sigh and the hearts beating faster in a lot of homes once it was 27^th of April 2014. It was the dreaded day before the kids went back to school in Lagos. Parents who had not been able to put the school fees together worried. Some even went into panic mode and began to make desperate attempts to borrow, beg or bargain! Then the 28^th came to pass…..

I heard a few amazing testimonies from mothers who got ‘Angels’ to help them sort the school fees or those who negotiated a flexible payment period with the school (Where were the Father’s you might ask? That’s a story for another day). There were still those who had to ask for more time to sort it out, but in all, as I listened to my sisters and heard their sighs of relieve, I couldn’t help but write this Ode to the strong independent woman.

I told a friend the other day that sometimes I get tired of being strong; I was scrolling through my phone some time ago and it really cracked up when I realized that I had the phone numbers of several PHCN officials from the connector(Who climbs the pole) to the Marketing manager in my district! But a girl needs to know the people that help to keep life stable. 

The purpose of this ramble which is quite different from my usually organized thought process is to give you (Yes You!) a part in the back and say well done strong independent woman and if you are a responsible man reading this, you deserve a part in the back too! Because that means you are caring for a sister of mine and not just milking her fountain!

Love and Peace

            Tale

I do or I don’t! Conversation on Culture, Marriage and 21st century realities

The first time I saw Barbie on cable tv in the 80’s and 90’s, I instantly found my first role model. She was exquisite, put together and very sophisticated. Though she was Caucasian (white), she was the young girl I wanted to be and just when I thought there couldn’t be more to this fantasy, I was introduced to Ken! He was Sauvé, handsome, taller than her and seemed totally enthralled by her.

Oh what a lucky doll Barbie was! She had the whole world at her feet and her prince charming to go with it. And thus began my journey as an incurable romantic-A 7 year old girl in search for her ‘happily ever after’.

The sneaky conversations of excited teenage girls giggling over their crushes on lanky teenage boys slowly turned into more serious conversations with Mothers openly telling their daughters to become serious about finding suitors-aka Future husbands.

I had those teenage crushes, especially for the Hausa guys (Circa Boko haram o!). They were always so deliciously handsome and some were actually gentlemen. Especially guys like Mohammed whose Dad owned a Major magazine in Kaduna and brought me copies regularly as a sneaky way of saying I ‘dig’ you in Primary(Now year 3 according to my son's school)3! It was all so romantic for me despite the fact that I couldn't figure out what the heck they were talking about in the magazines.

When I got to secondary school, I got tired of the teenage boys, they were suddenly too ‘immature’ for me, plus my Big Bro was not having any of that for his younger sisters. My crushes moved to my Dad’s Orderlies (A term for assistant in the Military), especially the hot Hausa guys……. Between studying to keep my grades up to retain my position as Daddy’s favorite ‘efiko’ and getting my hands on my first copies of Mills and Boons( Now Barbie was  childish at this point), I fantasized about my Prince charming. I didn’t even see the need for a real Boyfriend I was getting all the romance I needed in my mind…………

Then the rude awakening came in my late teens; it was not about boy meets girl anymore. It was now about preparing yourself to be a suitable wife in not so distant future. My fantasy was turning to frustration as I was pummeled about dressing like a lady, keeping a home and ensuring I was a good cook.  I thought I was alone in the ordeal, until my friends confided in me that their Mothers were putting them through similar ordeals. The reality of our existence was coming to bare for us… despite that fact that I was the best in my class in secondary school and I was an above average student in university, my intelligence did not mean much if I could not hook a suitor and become a ‘Mrs’!

The societal pressure for women to get married is real and some women have unfortunately succumbed to this pressure and married the wrong men. The brave ones have dealt with their failed choices by going through the pain of divorce and what used to be a little girl’s fantasy of love and happily ever after has become a night mare.

Things are changing in the 21^st century however; as Mother’s who went through the pain of staying in a bad marriage because they were financially dependent on the men have encouraged their daughters to strive for more and become strong independent women. For the first time women take pride in their ability to stand shoulder to shoulder with their Male counterparts and earn their own Money.

Some men are even relieved that they don’t have to be the sole bread winners anymore and are heard making statements like; ‘I don’t want any woman who would be a liability to me o!’

However, like every development in society that has advantages, consequent disadvantages lie in the fact that there now seems to be more successful and eligible women than their male counterparts. Also because of the time frame it takes to get to a certain level of career comfort, women are single in their 30’s and 40’s….

We are now faced with secret questions in our heart; should we marry down aka a Man not as successful and accomplished as us? Should we start approaching men? Or should we keep our heads up and remain single? But then what happens when we face lonely nights and a need for companionship?

Then the single woman begins to think; maybe our Mother’s pressures in the last decade were not so bad after all. Maybe if we have heeded it we would not be fabulously single and sometimes lonely….. And the divorced single woman or mum is wondering; what if I had not made the choice to marry that guy or succumb to the pressure to get married, maybe I won’t have had a bad marriage in my resume or be having to raise a child(en) alone…

How about the unhappy married woman who still has her ‘Mrs’ title? She seems like the luckiest of the three scenarios, but her outward composure does not betray the pain and anguish of an unhappy marriage.

I had a conversation with my dear single friend the other day and I told her that to be single is better to be in an unhappy marriage and she said; I have heard that a lot of times, but I don’t know if I believe it as the nights seem to get lonelier….

Marriage is a beautiful institution, especially when it is a good and happy marriage with two partners supporting each other. I don’t know the answer to all the questions and I don’t know what the best choice to make is; but I still remain a ‘hopeful’ romantic despite my own mistakes and believe that eventually, we can have it ‘all’, whatever that means to you………

This is one topic where I would really appreciate your opinions. Single, married, divorced, what is your take?

You might also like:Sex and the Single Lady

Love and Peace

            Tale