Ode to the Strong Independent woman!

---She takes a look in the mirror one more time before she steps out of the house; she is the image of perfection! Every strand of her hair perfectly in place, her dress fit her like a glove; her makeup was so aptly applied you would almost miss it if you didn’t look closely. She stepped out with a deep sigh and got ready to face the world again. Nobody would ever know that she cried herself to sleep last night…

She has to confront the reality of the bills that consumed her. She could be the married woman who has been covering for her Husband by ensuring the bills are paid or that single woman struggling to take care of herself and her dependents or maybe that widow or single mum who struggles to pay fees and put food on the table. Whoever she is and wherever she is today, I salute her!

I always write from the heart; often inspired by my observation and personal life experiences. A few months ago, someone accused me that my writing showed too much emotion… The truth is she might be right, but I told her that I think that the emotions I express are a lot of people’s inner cry and dealings and that as I share my struggles and victories, maybe someone would receive the motivation and energy to keep going.

In my Mind’s ear, I heard the long sigh and the hearts beating faster in a lot of homes once it was 27^th of April 2014. It was the dreaded day before the kids went back to school in Lagos. Parents who had not been able to put the school fees together worried. Some even went into panic mode and began to make desperate attempts to borrow, beg or bargain! Then the 28^th came to pass…..

I heard a few amazing testimonies from mothers who got ‘Angels’ to help them sort the school fees or those who negotiated a flexible payment period with the school (Where were the Father’s you might ask? That’s a story for another day). There were still those who had to ask for more time to sort it out, but in all, as I listened to my sisters and heard their sighs of relieve, I couldn’t help but write this Ode to the strong independent woman.

I told a friend the other day that sometimes I get tired of being strong; I was scrolling through my phone some time ago and it really cracked up when I realized that I had the phone numbers of several PHCN officials from the connector(Who climbs the pole) to the Marketing manager in my district! But a girl needs to know the people that help to keep life stable. 

The purpose of this ramble which is quite different from my usually organized thought process is to give you (Yes You!) a part in the back and say well done strong independent woman and if you are a responsible man reading this, you deserve a part in the back too! Because that means you are caring for a sister of mine and not just milking her fountain!

Love and Peace

            Tale

I do or I don’t! Conversation on Culture, Marriage and 21st century realities

The first time I saw Barbie on cable tv in the 80’s and 90’s, I instantly found my first role model. She was exquisite, put together and very sophisticated. Though she was Caucasian (white), she was the young girl I wanted to be and just when I thought there couldn’t be more to this fantasy, I was introduced to Ken! He was Sauvé, handsome, taller than her and seemed totally enthralled by her.

Oh what a lucky doll Barbie was! She had the whole world at her feet and her prince charming to go with it. And thus began my journey as an incurable romantic-A 7 year old girl in search for her ‘happily ever after’.

The sneaky conversations of excited teenage girls giggling over their crushes on lanky teenage boys slowly turned into more serious conversations with Mothers openly telling their daughters to become serious about finding suitors-aka Future husbands.

I had those teenage crushes, especially for the Hausa guys (Circa Boko haram o!). They were always so deliciously handsome and some were actually gentlemen. Especially guys like Mohammed whose Dad owned a Major magazine in Kaduna and brought me copies regularly as a sneaky way of saying I ‘dig’ you in Primary(Now year 3 according to my son's school)3! It was all so romantic for me despite the fact that I couldn't figure out what the heck they were talking about in the magazines.

When I got to secondary school, I got tired of the teenage boys, they were suddenly too ‘immature’ for me, plus my Big Bro was not having any of that for his younger sisters. My crushes moved to my Dad’s Orderlies (A term for assistant in the Military), especially the hot Hausa guys……. Between studying to keep my grades up to retain my position as Daddy’s favorite ‘efiko’ and getting my hands on my first copies of Mills and Boons( Now Barbie was  childish at this point), I fantasized about my Prince charming. I didn’t even see the need for a real Boyfriend I was getting all the romance I needed in my mind…………

Then the rude awakening came in my late teens; it was not about boy meets girl anymore. It was now about preparing yourself to be a suitable wife in not so distant future. My fantasy was turning to frustration as I was pummeled about dressing like a lady, keeping a home and ensuring I was a good cook.  I thought I was alone in the ordeal, until my friends confided in me that their Mothers were putting them through similar ordeals. The reality of our existence was coming to bare for us… despite that fact that I was the best in my class in secondary school and I was an above average student in university, my intelligence did not mean much if I could not hook a suitor and become a ‘Mrs’!

The societal pressure for women to get married is real and some women have unfortunately succumbed to this pressure and married the wrong men. The brave ones have dealt with their failed choices by going through the pain of divorce and what used to be a little girl’s fantasy of love and happily ever after has become a night mare.

Things are changing in the 21^st century however; as Mother’s who went through the pain of staying in a bad marriage because they were financially dependent on the men have encouraged their daughters to strive for more and become strong independent women. For the first time women take pride in their ability to stand shoulder to shoulder with their Male counterparts and earn their own Money.

Some men are even relieved that they don’t have to be the sole bread winners anymore and are heard making statements like; ‘I don’t want any woman who would be a liability to me o!’

However, like every development in society that has advantages, consequent disadvantages lie in the fact that there now seems to be more successful and eligible women than their male counterparts. Also because of the time frame it takes to get to a certain level of career comfort, women are single in their 30’s and 40’s….

We are now faced with secret questions in our heart; should we marry down aka a Man not as successful and accomplished as us? Should we start approaching men? Or should we keep our heads up and remain single? But then what happens when we face lonely nights and a need for companionship?

Then the single woman begins to think; maybe our Mother’s pressures in the last decade were not so bad after all. Maybe if we have heeded it we would not be fabulously single and sometimes lonely….. And the divorced single woman or mum is wondering; what if I had not made the choice to marry that guy or succumb to the pressure to get married, maybe I won’t have had a bad marriage in my resume or be having to raise a child(en) alone…

How about the unhappy married woman who still has her ‘Mrs’ title? She seems like the luckiest of the three scenarios, but her outward composure does not betray the pain and anguish of an unhappy marriage.

I had a conversation with my dear single friend the other day and I told her that to be single is better to be in an unhappy marriage and she said; I have heard that a lot of times, but I don’t know if I believe it as the nights seem to get lonelier….

Marriage is a beautiful institution, especially when it is a good and happy marriage with two partners supporting each other. I don’t know the answer to all the questions and I don’t know what the best choice to make is; but I still remain a ‘hopeful’ romantic despite my own mistakes and believe that eventually, we can have it ‘all’, whatever that means to you………

This is one topic where I would really appreciate your opinions. Single, married, divorced, what is your take?

You might also like:Sex and the Single Lady

Love and Peace

            Tale

LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

So I decided not to write about sex and the married abstainer, not because I don’t have an opinion on the subject, but because it is a sensitive issue for a lot of married women living without sexual relations with their spouses not by choice, but circumstances. I have heard different stories and I have had my own experiences, so I choose to pray for my sisters who are in such relationships because if it is unwillingly it can be very painful and affect a woman’s self-esteem. So I choose to pray instead that God would fix such relationships…..

We all have desires and hopes for a better life. Even if you have the ‘perfect’ job or the ‘perfect’ relationships, there is still an area in your life where you want more! I have hardly met anyone who didn’t want more…..

Many like me have probably been waiting for what we consider a fairly long time for our desires to come to pass and waiting can be very frustrating and emotionally tasking. One minute you are pumped and full of joy, the next minute when the reality of your present circumstances confront you, you might get worried, or angry or even depressed as to why things seem to take so long……….

One day as I contemplated this concept of expecting more from life, one thing struck me; as wonderful as wanting more is and having an expectation is, if we are not careful, it could steal our appreciation of the beauty of TODAY! When we are constantly looking ahead for something more or something better, we might miss the little miracles and joys of the present and we live with constant disappointment because we never seem to get enough.

In my waiting period; I am teaching myself to live in the moment, to be aware of the miracles happening every day. One of the most significant is the miracle of waking up every day to see the beauty of a new day. The good book says that a living dog is better than a dead lion, so no matter how challenging life is, every day that we open our eyes to see a new day, there is hope that something can still change or happen!

So how do you live in this moment? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me:

1.      Keep a gratitude journal: I found out that a lot of successful people keep a gratitude journal and my first instinct was of course they would! When they have a lot of things to be grateful for. Well I challenged myself to keep my own mobile (I use a notebook app) journal and write down things I am grateful for at the end of each day. Since I started, I find that I always have at least 3 things to be grateful for at the end of each day and my focus on gratitude helps me enjoy each day and appreciate the small miracles.

2.      Live Expectant: It seems contradictory to say live in the moment and live expectant; however when you keep a gratitude list and begin to appreciate the small or maybe great daily miracles, it fuels your expectancy to receive more. Since our life usually goes in the direction of our most dominant thoughts, when we have an attitude of expectancy whilst enjoying and maximizing our current moment, our desires would come to pass.

3.      Nourish your hope: Someone said to the famous writer; Zig Ziglar, motivation is so temporal, one minute you are charged up, the next minute it is over. Zig said; so is having your bath, which is why you have to do it every day! This also applies to us. Think about what makes you hopeful and make it a part of your daily life. For me, it is reading bible stories of people who had a dream and it came to pass, or biographies or listening to motivational information.

Enjoy this moment in life, because you won’t get it back again. Stay connected and stay expectant. I am looking for more ways to live in the moment and I would appreciate if you can share your own experience with me.

Love and Peace

            Tale

SEX AND THE SINGLE LADY!

I have struggled with writing this topic for the last one week, but the truth is; it has been on my mind! If you read this blog regularly, you know that I have a relationship with God and so my view points are somewhat biased on that basis. This topic would not be any different, but I want to have a real conversation…..

Episode 1: My friend looked at me in shock and asked: You mean you are not going to have sex until you get married? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, because up till this point I had carried my ‘morality’ with pride and now I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me for making a decision to abstain. Then she prodded a little further; if you have not had sex before, then I would understand, but you have been sexually active for a few years and all of a sudden you want to become a nun? I haltingly blabbed that I would stick to my decision, but I was not sure any more….

Episode 2: My American colleague came into the country for a series of meetings a few years ago. After a successful week and a few good deals in the pipeline, he decided to treat me to dinner in one of my favorite restaurants. This gave us an opportunity to get personal and talk about life.

In the midst of that conversation, he wanted to know how I was ‘getting on’. I told him I wasn’t ‘getting any’. He starred at me in shock and said; if you don’t get some sex to clear your brain, you might not make the right decision in your next relationship! Now that hit me in places that I didn’t know existed. So logically sex starved (aka abstaining) equals cloudy brain therefore might lead to bad relationship? Now that kind of starred my logical brain and took a hit at my morality. It definitely got me thinking…..

Episode 3: I just got out of the bank and was overwhelmed by the requirements I needed to put together to get the LPO financing I was seeking at that time. Just as I rushed to my car to get my company seal; he drove up next to me, my ‘subconscious’ noticed him, but I immediately put the thought aside and went back into the bank to complete my task. It took another hour to fill all the forms and by the time I was walking out, I was thoroughly drained and exhausted. I got into the car and I was about to start my engine, just then he tapped on my window glass, I wound down and he introduced himself. Yes, it was the stuff ‘romantic’ movies were made of because he had the ‘type’ of name to go with it.

I wasn’t in the right mood, but he coaxed me for my card which I gave him and drove off. I must confess it was good entertainment for me after a hectic day. However I soon forgot about him until I received a call from a strange number the next evening….. Well suffice to say, Mr ‘X’ turned out to be a married man (Are all the hot guys married?) whose claim to need for companionship was an unhappy marriage. I immediately briefed him of my ‘no dating married men’ philosophy. And I thought I had heard the end of it until he called me to offer some business help and when we were getting friendly again; he ‘unleashed the dragon’.

He graphically told me of his many talents in bed and how if I allowed him to serve me a ‘three course’ meal it would be a combination of Mediterranean, intercontinental and Mexican in one meal. Now he got my attention, not just because I had been abstaining for a while, but also because I hadn’t ‘tasted’ so many ‘flavors’ in one meal! The boring end to this episode is that I turned down the meal plan and cut off the relationship…..

MY CASE FOR ABSTINENCE

It used to be a thing of pride in the good old days to ‘keep yourself’. Now you are almost foolish for even attempting it! And there are varying reasons especially in this day and age where ‘finding’ a good man seems like a herculean task. I have heard; if I don’t taste the pudding how would I know that I would like it when we get married? Or how am I sure you can have a baby, why don’t we prove it now before marriage? So despite all these, why do I make a case for abstinence?

1.      You keep your dignity: How many times have you given your cookie (borrowing Steve Harvey’s phrase) and the cookie monster ran away? When you abstain from sex outside the defined institution, it helps your sense of self-worth and dignity. You might not be getting any, but at least you are not sharing to undeserving citizens and you can work with your head held up high.

2.      You protect yourself for unexpected accidents: Even health practitioners are quick to allude that abstinence is the best way to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and infections. Yeah I know there are condoms and following morning pills, but won’t you rather stay safe than sorry?

3.      You use your sexual energy to fuel your creativity: Yep! Napoleon Hill wrote extensively about this in ‘Think and grow rich’. There is no need to keep all the energy pent up, spread it doing creative things and you would see your success in life increase. So when you feel the urge, get creative! Be like me, write a blog (lol), or sing, or visit friends or set audacious life goals!

As a single lady, your sexual needs are real, but you can choose how to express it. Let’s have some real conversations; I would like to hear from you!

Peace and Love,

Tale,

Ps:  I am tempted to write about sex and the married abstainer next…not sure yet

SHUT OUT THE NOISE AND THINK PART 2

It was another alumni session for my Business school alumni yesterday; I enjoy going for these sessions because I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge and I am blessed to have the opportunity to go; to fill my ‘business knowledge’ tank regularly.

However this session was different; after the first speaker spoke on a business topic around mergers and acquisitions, the second speaker came and spoke about something entirely different, he titled it: The paradox of wealth, pleasure and the pursuit of happiness. It was a very refreshing session especially coming on that platform because it made me realize that no matter how educated and sophisticated we might be or become, the principles that govern life remain constant.

This set the tone for this second part of ‘Shut out the noise and think’. And it makes me ask the question; what is a truly successful and blessed life? Is it a life where you have become the richest person in your state, country or village? Or is it a life where you have over a million social media followers? Or is it winning a Nobel peace prize? Or maybe just having more money than bills to pay?

This is a question I have asked me self and spent time deeply reflecting on and I have come up with my definition of what it really means to me and I want to encourage you to do the same.

Here are some suggestions on how you can find your definition, passion and life’s purpose:

1.      Find quietness to reflect: I say ‘find quietness’ and not ‘go to a quiet place’ because I don’t want you to immediately make an excuse of how busy you are and how you can’t get the requisite time off. You can find quietness in your bedroom or by going to a private place during your lunch break. The idea is to find a moment where you are not distracted by chatter; it is in that place that you can truly reflect.

2.      Take a peep into your soul: There is so much noise around us these days that it is hard to even listen to ourselves! The generator is noisy, the car horns are blaring, people around you are talking and everyone seems to have an opinion. When last did you really hear your soul? When last did you listen to that still small voice telling you its desires, seeking to be your compass? When you find quietness, peep into your soul and listen. If you haven’t listened for a long time, it would be scary and strange at first, but don’t pass it up, be determined to listen and you would begin to understand who you really are and what you really desire.

Suggested reading: Let go and Find your self

3.      Engage your right brain: Your right brain is the place of dreams. It is the home of your imagination and desires. It is the brain we used more when we were children and we thought we could fly or become princesses. It is the brain you stopped using when you woke up one day and said ‘Let me be realistic joor’. Ask yourself the questions; what does a successful and blessed life look like to me? Then go to that place, date and time when you have it, what does it look like? If it looks like where you are now, kudos to you and keep living. If it doesn’t, then you have finally awoken your possibility.

4.      Write it down: Write down or draw the picture you see (you can check out Brian Mayne’s goal mapping and life mapping tools for inspiration-Click here). Make sure you write down exactly what you ‘see’, and not what your left brain-the sit of logic is trying to tell you. Don’t think about it as you write, just write!

5.      Let your left brain in: Now you have clearly found real definition of your blessed life, it is time to let your left brain which is the home of logic and planning come in to help you navigate your life from where it is to the path of a truly blessed and successful life. Take what you have written and come up with a plan, set goals and give your self-timelines to guide you in the journey.

We have been taught to set goals and have a plan, that is why I won’t spend so much time emphasizing that, because what is a goal when it does not make your heart sing at the thought of its accomplishment?

As you follow these guidelines, I wish you a successful and truly blessed life!

You might also like: How to create the Future you desire

I would love to hear from you and please share this with your friends.

Peace and Love,

Tale

SHUT OUT THE NOISE AND THINK! Part 1

Every one truly desires to find their path in life and what they have come to the earth to do. While our counterparts in America and Europe seem to come up with new ideas a dime in a dozen, it seems like an audacious task for us in Africa!

A conversation in our recently organized bsof (Business side of fashion) mentor’s series got me thinking; the lady asked ‘how do I find out exactly what I am supposed to be doing in fashion’? My answer to her was: shut out all the noise and look within and really think about what you are passionate about.

I must confess; following my passion has not been an easy task! I can spend all day and night inspiring and motivating people especially women to be all they are called to be, but at the end of the day there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of and  they constantly give me a reality check. I am still on the journey to find out how to fully live my passion and make money ‘completely’ doing what I love and I think I am getting closer almost 5 years down this road…..

So what makes it difficult for people to find their passion, their path and live their dreams?

1.      Hunger: This is one of the top challenges in Africa with the prevailing levels of poverty. The average person is thinking; I had better find ways to survive and feed myself and my family, before I start thinking any lofty thoughts about passion. And the rule of life is that your life goes in the direction of your most dominant thoughts; if quenching hunger is what it is, little wonder we are still faced with the hunger problem in Africa!

2.      Opinions: Everyone who has some influence over your life has an opinion about who you are, can be or should be! From the time you were little, your parents told you how good a Lawyer you would become because of your natural curiosity or how good a doctor you would be because you were constantly pretending to have a stethoscope. While those opinions might be inkling to what you should be doing with your life, sometimes it can distract or derail you from your true path.

3.      Comfort: If you are one of the lucky few who have overcome the hunger problem and have attained a certain level of comfort; that can also be a hindrance to finding your passion, especially if the comfort was attained doing something you don’t really care about or don’t have any real interest in. The thought of sacrificing the comfort to follow your path can discourage you from even venturing and cloud your mind totally.

4.      Fear: This is the famous ‘four’ letter word that sends shivers down people’s spines. I was told yesterday that 90% of what people fear would never happen. And from my own life experiences, I have learnt that sometimes things you could never even think/worry about or fathom actually happens! So fear is a waste of time but it is one of the greatest bondage that holds people captive from reaching out to find their passion or their purpose. Fear can range from fear of failure, to fear of uncertainty to even fear of loss of control.

You might also find let go and find you self helpful, click this link: http://thefivestarwoman.blogspot.com/2014/03/let-go-and-find-your-self.html

5.      Pride:  This factor is one that saddens me a lot because pride does not allow you to tell yourself the truth. It blinds you from your reality and sometimes you become delusional. Unfortunately pride gives you a false sense of self importance and therefore hinders your from humbling yourself to see the real picture of who you really are so you can improve yourself. I personally believe that all of us need that ‘moment of truth’ that comes from a sincere self-assessment. If we allow pride to rule our lives the moment of truth might never happen willingly.

All the factors above are noise!and they hinder us from reaching to our inner selves and thinking! I am going to take time to meditate and search to see which of these have hindered me and hope you do the same. The part two would focus on overcoming these factors and my suggestions of how you can find your ‘eureka’ moment.

Suggested reading: http://thefivestarwoman.blogspot.com/2013/07/how-to-create-future-you-desire.html

I would love to hear from you and please share this with your friends.

Peace and Love,

Tale

How do you stay positive in a negative situation?

I thought it was going to be like every other day when I drove out this morning.... My 'plan' was to dash to the filling station and get fuel for the house and the car before I got on with my day... In my mind, it was a  15 minutes task and I estimated it would take me another 10 minutes to drive from Awolowo road to the house.

Alas, three filling stations later and a queue that saw me crawling for about 3 hours, it finally got to my turn to buy fuel. At this point, my voice had cracked from shouting to get the attention of the fuel attendant who was revelling in the chaos and 200 naira notes she was getting from each gallon transaction. Half way through attending to me, the fuel ran out!

I couldn't help it and bust out laughing. I was laughing more out of gratitude than because of the imminent frustration. Gratitude because I have been reading the book; The secret, the power which is a sequel of the secret and I am learning to sow gratitude to the earth. And sincerely this incident made me understand the power of choosing your reactions.

As I waited in the queue, I chose to do the following:

1. Appreciate God's abundance resources: God is a God of abundance and it is quite obvious by the riches of nature in the universe. The Sun that shines brightly, the clouds that spread widely, the trees that grow greatly. I chose to see that God's resources are abundant despite the scarcity around me caused by the inefficiencies of man.

2. To trust that all I need would be supplied: As a follow up to appreciating God's abundance, a sense of awareness rose in my heart; I knew inside me, that all I needed would be supplied. I kept saying in my mind; even if the fuel finishes while I am on this queue, all I need would be supplied and truthfully I got just enough fuel to hopefully tide me by till man's inefficiencies are resolved.

3. I chose to focus on the things that I could be thankful for: the truth is; it is easier to find the things that are not working or going as planned, but it is a greater gift to find things to be thankful for when things don't seem to go as planned. I chose to thank God that I didn't have an urgent meeting to attend, that I was healthy enough to go through the stress and that I even found a filling station that had fuel.

4. Keep Hope alive: I chose to spend the time listening to some positive preaching on my phone. And before the queue got to my turn, I was totally enriched by two messages from my Pastor and it had kept me motivated and encouraged to know that this too shall pass!

The truth is; all around us there are negative situations and occurrences, but like a John Maxwell said, life is 1% what happens to you and 99% how you respond. If you are currently in a negative situation, find ways to stay positive, the tide would turn eventually and growth of character really happens in these types of situations.

Stay positive and Hopeful!

Tale

I would really love if you share your comments and share this with others who might need it.