SEX AND THE SINGLE LADY!

I have struggled with writing this topic for the last one week, but the truth is; it has been on my mind! If you read this blog regularly, you know that I have a relationship with God and so my view points are somewhat biased on that basis. This topic would not be any different, but I want to have a real conversation…..

Episode 1: My friend looked at me in shock and asked: You mean you are not going to have sex until you get married? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, because up till this point I had carried my ‘morality’ with pride and now I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me for making a decision to abstain. Then she prodded a little further; if you have not had sex before, then I would understand, but you have been sexually active for a few years and all of a sudden you want to become a nun? I haltingly blabbed that I would stick to my decision, but I was not sure any more….

Episode 2: My American colleague came into the country for a series of meetings a few years ago. After a successful week and a few good deals in the pipeline, he decided to treat me to dinner in one of my favorite restaurants. This gave us an opportunity to get personal and talk about life.

In the midst of that conversation, he wanted to know how I was ‘getting on’. I told him I wasn’t ‘getting any’. He starred at me in shock and said; if you don’t get some sex to clear your brain, you might not make the right decision in your next relationship! Now that hit me in places that I didn’t know existed. So logically sex starved (aka abstaining) equals cloudy brain therefore might lead to bad relationship? Now that kind of starred my logical brain and took a hit at my morality. It definitely got me thinking…..

Episode 3: I just got out of the bank and was overwhelmed by the requirements I needed to put together to get the LPO financing I was seeking at that time. Just as I rushed to my car to get my company seal; he drove up next to me, my ‘subconscious’ noticed him, but I immediately put the thought aside and went back into the bank to complete my task. It took another hour to fill all the forms and by the time I was walking out, I was thoroughly drained and exhausted. I got into the car and I was about to start my engine, just then he tapped on my window glass, I wound down and he introduced himself. Yes, it was the stuff ‘romantic’ movies were made of because he had the ‘type’ of name to go with it.

I wasn’t in the right mood, but he coaxed me for my card which I gave him and drove off. I must confess it was good entertainment for me after a hectic day. However I soon forgot about him until I received a call from a strange number the next evening….. Well suffice to say, Mr ‘X’ turned out to be a married man (Are all the hot guys married?) whose claim to need for companionship was an unhappy marriage. I immediately briefed him of my ‘no dating married men’ philosophy. And I thought I had heard the end of it until he called me to offer some business help and when we were getting friendly again; he ‘unleashed the dragon’.

He graphically told me of his many talents in bed and how if I allowed him to serve me a ‘three course’ meal it would be a combination of Mediterranean, intercontinental and Mexican in one meal. Now he got my attention, not just because I had been abstaining for a while, but also because I hadn’t ‘tasted’ so many ‘flavors’ in one meal! The boring end to this episode is that I turned down the meal plan and cut off the relationship…..

MY CASE FOR ABSTINENCE

It used to be a thing of pride in the good old days to ‘keep yourself’. Now you are almost foolish for even attempting it! And there are varying reasons especially in this day and age where ‘finding’ a good man seems like a herculean task. I have heard; if I don’t taste the pudding how would I know that I would like it when we get married? Or how am I sure you can have a baby, why don’t we prove it now before marriage? So despite all these, why do I make a case for abstinence?

1.      You keep your dignity: How many times have you given your cookie (borrowing Steve Harvey’s phrase) and the cookie monster ran away? When you abstain from sex outside the defined institution, it helps your sense of self-worth and dignity. You might not be getting any, but at least you are not sharing to undeserving citizens and you can work with your head held up high.

2.      You protect yourself for unexpected accidents: Even health practitioners are quick to allude that abstinence is the best way to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and infections. Yeah I know there are condoms and following morning pills, but won’t you rather stay safe than sorry?

3.      You use your sexual energy to fuel your creativity: Yep! Napoleon Hill wrote extensively about this in ‘Think and grow rich’. There is no need to keep all the energy pent up, spread it doing creative things and you would see your success in life increase. So when you feel the urge, get creative! Be like me, write a blog (lol), or sing, or visit friends or set audacious life goals!

As a single lady, your sexual needs are real, but you can choose how to express it. Let’s have some real conversations; I would like to hear from you!

Peace and Love,

Tale,

Ps:  I am tempted to write about sex and the married abstainer next…not sure yet

SHUT OUT THE NOISE AND THINK PART 2

It was another alumni session for my Business school alumni yesterday; I enjoy going for these sessions because I have an insatiable appetite for knowledge and I am blessed to have the opportunity to go; to fill my ‘business knowledge’ tank regularly.

However this session was different; after the first speaker spoke on a business topic around mergers and acquisitions, the second speaker came and spoke about something entirely different, he titled it: The paradox of wealth, pleasure and the pursuit of happiness. It was a very refreshing session especially coming on that platform because it made me realize that no matter how educated and sophisticated we might be or become, the principles that govern life remain constant.

This set the tone for this second part of ‘Shut out the noise and think’. And it makes me ask the question; what is a truly successful and blessed life? Is it a life where you have become the richest person in your state, country or village? Or is it a life where you have over a million social media followers? Or is it winning a Nobel peace prize? Or maybe just having more money than bills to pay?

This is a question I have asked me self and spent time deeply reflecting on and I have come up with my definition of what it really means to me and I want to encourage you to do the same.

Here are some suggestions on how you can find your definition, passion and life’s purpose:

1.      Find quietness to reflect: I say ‘find quietness’ and not ‘go to a quiet place’ because I don’t want you to immediately make an excuse of how busy you are and how you can’t get the requisite time off. You can find quietness in your bedroom or by going to a private place during your lunch break. The idea is to find a moment where you are not distracted by chatter; it is in that place that you can truly reflect.

2.      Take a peep into your soul: There is so much noise around us these days that it is hard to even listen to ourselves! The generator is noisy, the car horns are blaring, people around you are talking and everyone seems to have an opinion. When last did you really hear your soul? When last did you listen to that still small voice telling you its desires, seeking to be your compass? When you find quietness, peep into your soul and listen. If you haven’t listened for a long time, it would be scary and strange at first, but don’t pass it up, be determined to listen and you would begin to understand who you really are and what you really desire.

Suggested reading: Let go and Find your self

3.      Engage your right brain: Your right brain is the place of dreams. It is the home of your imagination and desires. It is the brain we used more when we were children and we thought we could fly or become princesses. It is the brain you stopped using when you woke up one day and said ‘Let me be realistic joor’. Ask yourself the questions; what does a successful and blessed life look like to me? Then go to that place, date and time when you have it, what does it look like? If it looks like where you are now, kudos to you and keep living. If it doesn’t, then you have finally awoken your possibility.

4.      Write it down: Write down or draw the picture you see (you can check out Brian Mayne’s goal mapping and life mapping tools for inspiration-Click here). Make sure you write down exactly what you ‘see’, and not what your left brain-the sit of logic is trying to tell you. Don’t think about it as you write, just write!

5.      Let your left brain in: Now you have clearly found real definition of your blessed life, it is time to let your left brain which is the home of logic and planning come in to help you navigate your life from where it is to the path of a truly blessed and successful life. Take what you have written and come up with a plan, set goals and give your self-timelines to guide you in the journey.

We have been taught to set goals and have a plan, that is why I won’t spend so much time emphasizing that, because what is a goal when it does not make your heart sing at the thought of its accomplishment?

As you follow these guidelines, I wish you a successful and truly blessed life!

You might also like: How to create the Future you desire

I would love to hear from you and please share this with your friends.

Peace and Love,

Tale

SHUT OUT THE NOISE AND THINK! Part 1

Every one truly desires to find their path in life and what they have come to the earth to do. While our counterparts in America and Europe seem to come up with new ideas a dime in a dozen, it seems like an audacious task for us in Africa!

A conversation in our recently organized bsof (Business side of fashion) mentor’s series got me thinking; the lady asked ‘how do I find out exactly what I am supposed to be doing in fashion’? My answer to her was: shut out all the noise and look within and really think about what you are passionate about.

I must confess; following my passion has not been an easy task! I can spend all day and night inspiring and motivating people especially women to be all they are called to be, but at the end of the day there are bills to pay and responsibilities to take care of and  they constantly give me a reality check. I am still on the journey to find out how to fully live my passion and make money ‘completely’ doing what I love and I think I am getting closer almost 5 years down this road…..

So what makes it difficult for people to find their passion, their path and live their dreams?

1.      Hunger: This is one of the top challenges in Africa with the prevailing levels of poverty. The average person is thinking; I had better find ways to survive and feed myself and my family, before I start thinking any lofty thoughts about passion. And the rule of life is that your life goes in the direction of your most dominant thoughts; if quenching hunger is what it is, little wonder we are still faced with the hunger problem in Africa!

2.      Opinions: Everyone who has some influence over your life has an opinion about who you are, can be or should be! From the time you were little, your parents told you how good a Lawyer you would become because of your natural curiosity or how good a doctor you would be because you were constantly pretending to have a stethoscope. While those opinions might be inkling to what you should be doing with your life, sometimes it can distract or derail you from your true path.

3.      Comfort: If you are one of the lucky few who have overcome the hunger problem and have attained a certain level of comfort; that can also be a hindrance to finding your passion, especially if the comfort was attained doing something you don’t really care about or don’t have any real interest in. The thought of sacrificing the comfort to follow your path can discourage you from even venturing and cloud your mind totally.

4.      Fear: This is the famous ‘four’ letter word that sends shivers down people’s spines. I was told yesterday that 90% of what people fear would never happen. And from my own life experiences, I have learnt that sometimes things you could never even think/worry about or fathom actually happens! So fear is a waste of time but it is one of the greatest bondage that holds people captive from reaching out to find their passion or their purpose. Fear can range from fear of failure, to fear of uncertainty to even fear of loss of control.

You might also find let go and find you self helpful, click this link: http://thefivestarwoman.blogspot.com/2014/03/let-go-and-find-your-self.html

5.      Pride:  This factor is one that saddens me a lot because pride does not allow you to tell yourself the truth. It blinds you from your reality and sometimes you become delusional. Unfortunately pride gives you a false sense of self importance and therefore hinders your from humbling yourself to see the real picture of who you really are so you can improve yourself. I personally believe that all of us need that ‘moment of truth’ that comes from a sincere self-assessment. If we allow pride to rule our lives the moment of truth might never happen willingly.

All the factors above are noise!and they hinder us from reaching to our inner selves and thinking! I am going to take time to meditate and search to see which of these have hindered me and hope you do the same. The part two would focus on overcoming these factors and my suggestions of how you can find your ‘eureka’ moment.

Suggested reading: http://thefivestarwoman.blogspot.com/2013/07/how-to-create-future-you-desire.html

I would love to hear from you and please share this with your friends.

Peace and Love,

Tale

How do you stay positive in a negative situation?

I thought it was going to be like every other day when I drove out this morning.... My 'plan' was to dash to the filling station and get fuel for the house and the car before I got on with my day... In my mind, it was a  15 minutes task and I estimated it would take me another 10 minutes to drive from Awolowo road to the house.

Alas, three filling stations later and a queue that saw me crawling for about 3 hours, it finally got to my turn to buy fuel. At this point, my voice had cracked from shouting to get the attention of the fuel attendant who was revelling in the chaos and 200 naira notes she was getting from each gallon transaction. Half way through attending to me, the fuel ran out!

I couldn't help it and bust out laughing. I was laughing more out of gratitude than because of the imminent frustration. Gratitude because I have been reading the book; The secret, the power which is a sequel of the secret and I am learning to sow gratitude to the earth. And sincerely this incident made me understand the power of choosing your reactions.

As I waited in the queue, I chose to do the following:

1. Appreciate God's abundance resources: God is a God of abundance and it is quite obvious by the riches of nature in the universe. The Sun that shines brightly, the clouds that spread widely, the trees that grow greatly. I chose to see that God's resources are abundant despite the scarcity around me caused by the inefficiencies of man.

2. To trust that all I need would be supplied: As a follow up to appreciating God's abundance, a sense of awareness rose in my heart; I knew inside me, that all I needed would be supplied. I kept saying in my mind; even if the fuel finishes while I am on this queue, all I need would be supplied and truthfully I got just enough fuel to hopefully tide me by till man's inefficiencies are resolved.

3. I chose to focus on the things that I could be thankful for: the truth is; it is easier to find the things that are not working or going as planned, but it is a greater gift to find things to be thankful for when things don't seem to go as planned. I chose to thank God that I didn't have an urgent meeting to attend, that I was healthy enough to go through the stress and that I even found a filling station that had fuel.

4. Keep Hope alive: I chose to spend the time listening to some positive preaching on my phone. And before the queue got to my turn, I was totally enriched by two messages from my Pastor and it had kept me motivated and encouraged to know that this too shall pass!

The truth is; all around us there are negative situations and occurrences, but like a John Maxwell said, life is 1% what happens to you and 99% how you respond. If you are currently in a negative situation, find ways to stay positive, the tide would turn eventually and growth of character really happens in these types of situations.

Stay positive and Hopeful!

Tale

I would really love if you share your comments and share this with others who might need it.

Let Go and Find your self!

I had one of those rare ‘aha’ moments this weekend as I spent a day at a business women’s mentoring event. The session started with the facilitator asking us to say something interesting about ourselves, I sat in the room and listened as several ladies came out and made self-depreciating remarks about themselves… A few years ago I would have done exactly the same thing and thought it was okay.

I searched my heart and wondered where did all this come from? Who taught us women not to believe in ourselves or see much value in us? As I contemplated this, I reminisced about my growing up years……

I remember the day I broke the plate in the kitchen, my dear mum pounced on me and told me how if I continued like this, I would never make a good wife. I think back to myself smiling; what did a 9 year old girl know about what it took to be a good wife?

But this was the conditioning of many young girls in our traditional African setting. You had to learn to conform to the expectations’ of womanhood from an early age. You had to learn to think less of yourself and more of the future spouse you would end up with. It was like you were being prepared for a pageant and only the best woman won!

Woe betide you if you had a harsh or insensitive coach, you were scarred for a long time! Now the conditioning is not all bad, because women are inherently created to be nurturers. However there is more to you than to be the mother of someone or the wife of another.

I have seen women live in sadness and dejection because they did not (or are yet to) wear the crown of motherhood or wife when their mates did. They behave like people who lost in the pageant and have been condemned to a life of mourning.

If you are a woman who has broken through the wall of conditioning and discovered herself, I salute you. But if you have not, I would like to ask you a few questions:

1.      Who are you: Not what the society, your family or your friends says you should be? Who are you really and truly? Search you heart, break the conditioning, go to the deepest parts and answer the question; who are you?

2.      Why are you here: There must be more to life than turning the cog wheel of waking up in the morning, going to work, getting back, watching television and going to bed. Why are you on the earth? There is a purpose for everything, even the little ant and the mosquito has a purpose! So there must be a reason why God brought you to the earth space. Do you know the reason? Find it! When you do and have a clearer sense of purpose, your self-confidence and sense of self-worth would improve.

3.      What story or legacy would you leave behind: Every second, time passes. The moment you read that last sentence, time has passed and we can’t get it back again.  That’s the way all of us will go through the passage of time and leave this earth. Take a moment in deep introspection and ask yourself; what story or Legacy would I leave behind? How would you want to be remembered? Begin today to create that story!

It is time to let go of all negative conditioning and find your true self, so that you can make your contribution on earth soil, make a difference in your generation, find your voice and bless the world with your story!

Let’s continue to be givers in 2014, share this with someone who you know would really be blessed by it.

Peace and Love

Tale

I need a girl friend!

Looking at the topic again, It makes me grin sheepishly I know it sounds cheezy, but don’t get worried, this is not an announcement that I am now interested in same sex love relationships! It’s a challenge to us ‘girls’ to be there for each other…

Women are their own worst enemies….I have heard that saying over and over again and a few people have stories to back the saying; from ‘horrible’ female bosses to the older single woman ‘beefing’ the younger married and pregnant colleagues. I have heard quite a number of stories. How about ‘mentors’ who don’t want their protégées to make greater progress than themselves? Or that female Sponsorship manager who won’t give opportunities to women initiated projects? I am an advocate of my fellow women prospering and being empowered so these stories sadden me and I hope and pray that I would continue to help my sisters prosper.

Yesterday I decided to go to one of the events in the Social Media week currently taking place and of course the session I went for was on women doing business the social way. I went prepared to learn and find practical answers that could improve my business. It was ‘one hour’ worth my while, however I asked a question and did not get an adequate answer and was feeling somewhat dissatisfied.

As the program ended and I stood up to leave, I was approached by three pleasant ladies, in the first place, I felt rather special because of the attention, but as I listened to what they had to say, I felt really blessed! They had come to answer my question and offer me practical tips that I could apply to improve my business. After they were done, I was overwhelmed with gratitude, because it was one of the few times women had walked up to me to offer help. It is usually a guy thing from my experience.

This is to say a big thank you to Ized Uanikhehi of Evolvesynergy.com and Ifeoma Chuks-Adizue of deluxechildbirth.com and Sheervirtuosity.com. Your generosity in sharing has made me a richer person and broadened my social media marketing knowledge. And also to Amaka Titilayo Okoli of Spreadmediang.com for the pre-event blogging tips. I am definitely looking forward to our lunch date and the opportunity to take this blog to a new level soon.

That been said, the bible says it is more blessed to give than to receive, every woman you meet is not a ‘bitch’ or a ‘gossip’ or ‘jealous’. There are definitely people who are positive and can add value and I want to challenge you to be an example. How you might ask?

1.      Be a positive person: Yup! Speak positive, think positive and let the positive energy spread. They say you attract who you are, so evaluate yourself, who are you attracting? Some people can rebuff you when you reach out to them positively, but it should not discourage you. I always make an excuse for people who react negatively to my positivity so that I don’t think negative thoughts towards them.

2.      Seek to give not just to receive: I had a colleague who always asked her self ‘WIIFM’ anytime she met someone or had an opportunity brought before her. The ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude is the default setting of most of us and it is undeniably a way our minds protect us from getting hurt or being manipulated. However reset yourself to be a giver. When you meet someone, train yourself to ask; how can I add value to this person or be a blessing to them. Giving makes our life richer and brings back multiplied blessings to us. How can you open doors or make a way for another person today?

3.      Speak positive and encouraging words: A lot of people have personal insecurities either about their physical features or some personality weaknesses. Imagine what life would be like on a day to day basis when we speak positive and encouraging words to people? Our days would definitely be happier. Find something to compliment people about and this would be easy if you are a positive person.

4.      Everybody is a well of knowledge, be open to drink from them: This is something I tell myself every time. Sometimes I feel like I am really smart especially in subjects that I have acquired adept knowledge about. However I have come to realize that a lot of successful people are not necessarily the smartest, they are the people most able to humble themselves to listen to people and get relevant information to apply to their lives. People like people who listen to them which is a point Dale Carnegie made in the book ‘How to make friends and influence people’.  When you meet people especially your fellow sisters, be open to listen and learn from them.

The ladies I met today encouraged me to share what I do to pay the bills (which I really love doing by the way) with you and so here goes; I am a fashion entrepreneur; you can visit my fashion brand site www.recreationsng.com to see and buy the most amazing shirts and more products are coming soon. I am also a business development consultant based on my corporate work experience and MBA knowledge and I am open to help sme’s grow and expand their businesses. Email me at bamitale@en-reachlimited.com or tale@recreationsng.com

Let’s continue to be givers in 2014, share this with someone who you know would really be blessed by it.

Peace and Love

Tale

The tides would turn, eventually............

I was excited that it was finally going to be a sunny day in London, but decided to still heed the warning of my family friend to dress with the worst cold in mind. I put on two shirts, a sweater and a jacket. I was feeling really hot by the time I got to the train station and was so tempted to strip on the platform.....

Two stops later the rain came pouring and when it rains, it pourrsssss. Was I glad that I was fully clad to withstand the cold that came with the rain... two hours later, it was over like it never happened! In my usual reflective manner, I related this to life and have come to realise that no matter how dark it gets, the light would finally come.

Sometimes life hits you from many sides and you feel like that boxer trying to find your balance after many knock outs, but too wary to stand up because it seems like the fight is over and you have lost anyway. I have been there so many times and each time, I felt like going to a safe corner to hide from all the challenges that being alive brings, but not for too long because even if you hide it doesn't always disappear.

The good news in all this is; like the rain poured heavily and stopped after two hours, eventually the tide would turn. You would find a break in that hopeless situation. You would find the resources you need for that dream. That husband or wife would come and you won't be single for the rest of your life.

How do I know this? Because my life is also in session and I have seen dark days and bright days. I have also watched the lives of great people and have seen them battle the fiercest battle and come out victorious.

But what has helped them triumph and win?

1. They kept fighting: I don't know about you, but I have given up on my dreams 101 times. I tell my self; Be realistic joor! This thing is taking too long, stop dreaming and be a 'normal' person. When I decide to act on 'realistic', something in me repels against it and tell me to keep fighting! I am still in the battle sincerely, but I can tell you I have scored more victories by keeping up the fight.

2. They keep their goals and dream in front of them: I have a vision board with pictures of the life I want and sometimes I feel like throwing it away. Some mornings however, I wake up stare at it and say; if this is my possibility, why settle for less? It keeps me going and keeps me motivated. I have heard stories of people suffering from life threatening ailments who have kept a dream in front of them. Some eventually recover and live their dreams.

3. They are positive and surround themselves with positive people and information: I woke up yesterday morning and was searching for a channel to watch. I am currently in Istanbul and the English speaking channels are few and far between. I finally found BBC world and watched it for five minutes and gave up! I have just had enough of hearing all that is wrong in the world. Yes things are going wrong, economies are suffering, leaders are corrupt! But successful people are not feeding on these sort of information, if not they won't be making much progress. I am not an advocate for having your head up in the air, but like Brian Mayne says; If you stare at the problem too long, you would steer(move towards) at the problem. 

So no matter how bad it gets or how hard things are keep positive and surround your self with positive people. The positivity would energize you and help you see the light in the darkest situations.

They do something about it! Yes and this advice is for me really....I am tired of the status quo and I am advising my self to stop moaning and feeling helpless and get up and do something about it. Of course this include asking God for divine direction so that I don't just go round in circles in the name of doing something.

So what's your situation today? The tide would turn, eventually. Get up and work into your season.

Peace and Love
Tale
N.B: Share this with someone if it truly blessed you.