There is more to you than your body!

I had just had a fulfilling time walking for charity earlier in the day, but alas the rain came down heavy on us and my hair was drenched. I had tonged my natural hair a week earlier and had to go back to the saloon again to have it washed and tonged. As I walk into the saloon, I see a woman who I had just seen last week. She had come to fix a beautiful weave and all of us had looked at her with great admiration, so I couldn't help but ask why she was back a week later? I got bored and wanted something new she responded coyly……

Like a lot of women, I am also quite invested in my appearance. My mum and I tease ourselves that we take health and beauty very seriously and we put ‘our money where our interest is’. But recently I have had a few encounters that have made me realize that there is so much more to us than our bodies…

Encounter 1: I was compelled to go to a ‘gentlemen’s’ club by a friend who wanted to proof to me that it was just mindless entertainment. I say I was compelled, but truthfully I was curious to see what went on there and I wanted to know what happens in the mind of a man that gives him a natural affinity for feminine nakedness.

When we entered, I was initially overwhelmed by all the display of flesh clad scantily (or not clad at all) in provocative lingerie, ready to seduce and probably satisfy their clients. I watched with interest; the artistic performances of some of the more skilled dancers and pretended that I was watching a scene from the movie burlesque being re-enacted in front of me.

Then it got quite interesting when my Male friend was offered one of the service arrays; a lap dance. This was supposed to be the highlight of our visit. I watched with interest as the lady performed her routine and allowed him to fully explore all her outer and inner parts. In my mind I thought; my friend was about to pay through his nose for rummaging a woman’s body this way! I was surprised to find out that after such a violating performance, he gave her one thousand naira(less than 10 dollars) and she squealed in delight and gratitude!

By this time, you must know that I am a novice, and my friend confirmed that this was one of the best clubs in town, so that means this was one of the higher paid girls! My accountant brain went to work calculating how many people the lady has to allow rummage her in a night to earn a decent living, that when my heart really sunk……………

Encounter 2: This one is a bit more sensitive because it shook my heart and challenged my calling to empower women. In the midst of a counseling exercise, I met this nice looking young lady. She had decided she was tired of her life. She was lured to Lagos by friends who told her that it was where she would make it big. She decided to take a chance because she was one of nine children of retired parents in the south of Nigeria.

She came expecting the good life but was introduced to prostitution and drugs. In a short while, she had become addicted and it tortured her because she had a good Christian foundation, and had even been a University student before. She wanted out because she had found out that she was not earning as much money as she thought she could with her body and the little she earned she spent on drugs.

I was shaken because she said; I did it because I wanted to help my family back home and now I have nothing to show for it and my body is tired………………

Whilst I am still contemplating how I can set up a rehabilitation center ( or partner with one, please let me know if you share my burden) I have suddenly realized that though our bodies give us tenancy on the earth and as such we should take care of it, but there is so much more to us than our bodies.

God has given us an incredible mind and the capacity to shape our world by what we can produce by harnessing its power. The good book says; as a man thinks in his heart, so he is. We have been given an ability to choose who or what influences our minds and what choices and decisions we make as a result of this.

One of the choices I have made as a result of these encounters is to open my mind to the possibilities that God has in store for me, and not let anything, any information or anyone limit my possibilities, because there is so much more on the inside of us that we haven’t yet explored……………

Love and Peace

            Tale

N.B: I think this would bless someone you know, so be kind and share…………..

Good things take time....

As I walked into the magnificent building, I was intrigued by the beautiful architecture and sophisticated design. I couldn't help but wonder if the owner had suddenly come into some money to enable him to build such master piece. As I sat in his tasteful office to discuss the purpose of our meeting, I asked how he built this. He responded with a smile; it has been a 22 year journey……………..

Patience has never been one of my strong points! I used to struggle with sitting in waiting rooms or receptions waiting to have a meeting or see someone. I would get annoyed when I had to wait over one hour for a meeting that would last for 10 minutes, until I realized that the annoyance wasn’t going to make things easy. Then I decided to go everywhere with a book or a magazine which helped me occupy myself and get some self-development till I was attended to.

I realized I was not alone in the ‘impatience train’ when I began to observe people in a hurry to get ahead in queues or speeding hurriedly on the highway or even trying to get ahead in their careers faster than they are qualified for. I have also witnessed this in the advancement of technology, where everything seems to work at the speed of light (which has its advantages). Or artificially induced growth in food where fruits now take less time to grow than when it is planted and nurtured normally.

As interesting as speed is, I have noticed a phenomenon; the things with higher value and quality takes more time to grow, produce or manufacture. Organically grown foods take more time to grow than their chemically induced counterparts. Handmade leather goods take more time than their machine woven counterparts, even couture gowns take weeks compared to a normal dress that can be made in hours. The truth is; good things take time.

This is not something we like to hear, but it is wisdom than can lead to lasting growth. A good marriage takes time, commitment, passion and effort, a good degree takes time, perseverance and effort, a great career or business takes time, persistence, hard work and smartness. Time is a factor measured by length of days, month or years and if you want something bad enough, you should be willing to commit the time to it.

As I listened to the man tell this story, I was curious to know what kept him going through that long journey until he got where he is today; and he shared three factors:

1.Passion: He said his passion, which was fueled by the dream he had kept pushing him to go ahead no matter what obstacles he had to confront. This passion took him through years of struggles and challenges, but he was convinced that if he kept at it, he would get where he wanted to go.

2. Discipline: He said he continually exercised discipline from making sure he got to work at 7am every morning, to ensuring that he denied himself material pleasures temporarily to attain a long term financial goal, even to ensuring that he did not eat after 6pm every day to maintain a healthy body and stature. He attests to the fact that this constant discipline has brought him farther than his contemporaries in the last 22years.

3. Drive: He is driven to constantly get better, improve himself and improve his business. He see life as a marathon (Check out Life is a Marathon article) and not a sprint and is constantly driving himself to attain greater heights to become all that he believes he can be.

I sit back and wonder if the same ambition and drive is not what pushes people to want to attain things in the shortest possible time? However I realize that though short term results and successes are possible and attainable, but the things that make greater more lasting impact take time.

As you journey through life and make decisions, don’t look for short cuts for things that need you to take the long route. Continue to work smart, but remember; Good things take time…..

Love and Peace

Tale
N.B: I think this would bless someone you know, so be kind and share…………..

We are in a Marathon!

As I was rounding off the interview with this amazing woman I was interviewing to write a case study for our upcoming book, I was so intrigued by her calmness that I wanted to throw in a curve ball with my next question and see how she would react, so I asked; ‘I know you have done well, but you have friends who are clearly more ambitious than you are and seem to have gone further, doesn’t that challenge you?’ She smiled at me and responded; ‘We are all running different races and I don’t compare myself with anyone, instead I remind myself that I am in a marathon’. Her answer astounded me and inspired this blog post…………

I love to run (or jog)! And it all started over 15years ago when I suddenly started gaining weight after I had been called a ‘skinny chicken’ for most of my secondary school days. I never used to be the athletic, but I knew I needed to do something about the weight, so one day; I wore my trainers and created a trail for myself. It’s been an interesting running experience ever since. However, every great runner knows that if you haven’t run a marathon, you are still an amateur! So I decided that I was going to run a marathon and commenced my research on what it took and I was shocked at my findings;

A marathon is a long distance endurance race which has an official distance of 42.195 kilometers’ which is equivalent to 26miles and 385yards. The world record time to complete a Marathon is 2hours, 3 minutes and 23 seconds and for the average Joe like me, it would probably take much longer. When I found out how long the distance was; I decided to aim for the half marathon instead, at least like they say; half bread is better than none!

As I thought about what the woman in the interview said; I realize that we are all in a Marathon called life. Like in the real Marathon, sometimes you get a bust of energy and you pick up your pace and run faster or sometimes you have no energy at all, your body has burnt up all the sugar and you are running on will power and discipline from months of training.

From my years of running, I have observed a phenomenon; as I am steadily beating down my trail, a runner overtakes me in full speed! When I was new at running, I used to be tempted to pick up my speed, but as I forced myself to maintain my pace and keep my energy so I can reach my set finish line, I usually see that ‘fast runner’ somewhere in front exhausted from using up all their energy by applying so much speed in the beginning of their race and I steadily overtake them and make it to the finish line.
Life is a marathon and like the bible says; the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. So in approaching the Marathon of life, I have learnt the following valuable lessons:

Start with your end goal in mind: What do you want to achieve or have achieved by the time you are done in this journey called life? The truth is I see different people running with their eyes sideways looking at how others are running and trying to run another person’s race. Stop looking out to find your goal, look inwards and determine your end goal.

Know your capacity: Once you have decided what your end goal is, know your capacity. Know what you are able to do or capable of doing. The truth is that we are all limited resources no matter how hard we want to push ourselves. So to thy self be true. Someone might have the capacity to work 18hours a day and you have the capacity to give 9 hours and you are tired. Be true to yourself and determine your capacity from the start. And once you determine your capacity, don’t try to be like anyone else. To each God had given his/her own.

Pace yourself: Now that you know your capacity, create a pace that fits you. In the book ‘great by choice’ Jim Collins featured Great companies who applied what he called the 20% rule. The rule was that they would only grow at 20% annually. They were not moved by their competitions that were growing at astronomical heights, they focused on growth that was sustainable and by pacing themselves they outperformed their competition. Once again, to thyself be true!

Push yourself to the finish line: When I run, there are days when I am really tired and I almost fill like giving up and stopping, but I always tell myself ‘you are a finisher’. In this race of life, there would be times when you want to stop or quit or just give it all up, but don’t give up. Like a popular preacher says; it’s not over until it’s over! Don’t give up before the finish line. Sometimes you might need to take a breather, but as long as you have set a correct pace, keep at it. If you haven’t set a correct pace, adjust your pace and keep going.
Remember, we are in a Marathon and you would win if you don’t quit! That’s what I love about Marathon’s; everyone who finishes within the time limit gets a medal!

Love and Peace
Tale
N.B: I think this would bless someone you know, so kindly share…………..

There is more to your life!

I have been on a deliberate writing hiatus from this blog because I was working on a book project. I set strict timelines for myself and thankfully the major writing is done…

I also had two wonderful weeks of family holidays/wedding celebration in Hamburg and London. For me it was a privilege to see a new country as I had never been to Germany and as I took in the serenity of the resort we stayed in Hamburg; I knew there was more to life!

I have suffered quite a number of setbacks in my lifetime and sometimes, when you are in the midst of a challenging situation, all your energies are focused on dealing with it that you forget there is more to life than what you are going through.

One of the popular sayings that have kept me sane through my toughest times is; ‘it is darkest before dawn’ and truth be told, it is really darkest before the first rays of morning light seeps in. And the challenge about being in absolute darkness is that at that moment, your brain is seeking light to focus on to lead it out of the darkness and it doesn’t seem to find the light!

 When I was a little girl, I used to play a game I themed; walking in the dark. The game was simply me closing my eyes when they took the light at night and trying to trace my steps to my room from wherever I was in the house. When I first started the game, I would try to open my eyes very wide in the darkness to seek some light to show me direction, but after some time, I realized it was not working. So I decided to start closing my eyes and looking for direction from my memory. I focused on using my hand as a guide and as I felt my way through the darkness, my hand sent signals to my brain and it drew directions from the memory of me being in that location when it was brighter. As I walked through the dark applying this method, I always found the way to my room.

Life can be like this sometimes….. When we are in the midst of deadlines, a challenging situation, a missed opportunity, a significant delay or even heart break, it seems like we are at the end of our ropes and there is no way out of it. But that’s just the voice of our circumstances or current situation speaking to us. Even if you can’t see a way out physically, you can do any or all of the following;

1.      Close your eyes and reach into your memory: Chances are you have been through what you are currently going through and overcome it. So reach into that memory of your past victory and draw strength from it.

2.      Draw inspiration from someone’s testimony: Even if you haven’t encountered this situation before, you must have heard of someone who went through what you are currently going through and overcame. Draw inspiration from that testimony and let it encourage your heart and give you hope.

3.      Keep an attitude of gratitude: One of the secrets I have learnt and I have spoken about severally in this blog is an attitude of gratitude. It is easy for us to find things to complain about, but if we channel that energy to look for things to be grateful for, our lives would be happier and more hopeful. I have also noticed that when I make a deliberate effort to be grateful, I keep getting more reasons to be grateful.

There is more to life than where you are today. Don’t let your current circumstances and situation put a full stop to your dreams. Always make sure that your dreams remain greater than your memories.

Love and Peace

            Tale

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT! Recovering from Abuse-Part 1

---I sat staring at the TV screen I didn’t know when tears began to pour from my eyes, something she said resonated with me; it was the words of every woman who was a victim of abuse: ‘Maybe it is my fault’! I had this experience when watching ‘Why did I get married’ and ‘for colored girls’. I cried along with these women who blamed themselves for provoking the abuse or instigating the abuser. In their eyes, the abuser seemed to have done no wrong, maybe it was their fault………..

Over the weekend, whilst spending time with my siblings, I finally opened up about going through emotionally abuse. I had spoken to God about it several times and forgiven the instigator over and over again, but I had never really spoken about it to anyone.

Why did I not speak about it?

1.      Maybe it was my fault! I have heard this so many times in movies and reality from victims of abuse. They claim that they were the ones that provoked their abusers to physically assault them or emotionally insult them and degrade them.

2.      I was ashamed! We all go around looking put together like we have everything going well; it is very shameful to open up to people that this ‘well put together’ and absolutely intelligent person has been demeaned by a fellow human being.

3.      I had no physical evidence! I thank God for all the outrage against physical abuse and battering, but how do you show evidence of mental and emotional abuse? How do you tell people that your fellow human being has spoken all sorts of obscene words to you for so long, that you have begun to believe you do not have any worth or value? What is the physical evidence of this greatly damaging abuse that could be the cause of a lot of people ending up in mental wards?

Abuse like Myles Munroe says is the abnormal use of a thing. A lot of people are working around with great dysfunctions that have been triggered by one sort of abuse or the other. The sad thing about abuse is that it comes from a fellow human being. God commanded us to be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth and subdue. He told us to subdue the earth and not our fellow human beings.

A lot of victims of abuse are not first time victims unfortunately and that is why they continue to subject themselves to dysfunctional relationships. For example, a girl who has been told from a young age that she is ugly or lazy or a never do well, might seek validation from an abusive man because she thinks: if she can change the person’s opinion about her, she would have changed herself. Unfortunately, this makes her vulnerable to more abuse and can make her loose her sense of self-worth totally.

Emotional abuse is the most dangerous type of Abuse because like I earlier mentioned, there is no physical evidence to be treated, but the pain and consequence of it is evidenced in the behavior and decisions of the sufferer.

I have seen a few people that are self-destructive. They get into a good relationship and destroy it. They get a good job and sabotage it; they get a good opportunity and bungle it. To the ordinary eye they are plain stupid or crazy, but if you look deep within, they are only manifesting who they think they are! They don’t think they have any worth or value, so subconsciously they sabotage themselves……….

In part two, I would write about practical steps to recover from abuse, although I must admit it’s not a one day process. So if you have been a victim and have being in denial, maybe it’s time to admit it to yourself and know that; it is not your fault!

Have you being a victim of any sort of abuse? How did you deal with it? Please share and bless others…………..

Love and Peace

            Tale

Be Fabulous today!

I am currently on a spiritual discovery journey.... I sense the winds have turned and in these times you might not have clarity of sight, but the voice in the heart is quite clear. I am following the winds of Revelation and living each day in total surrender to the almighty in expectation that clarity would come as I take each step. 

Whilst I am at it; I am reading, meditating and listening to the rhythm of my heart. My sister just sent me this quote by the amazing Marianne Williamson. You have probably read it before, but this time around, don't just read it, take it innnnnnnnnnn and be fabulous today!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
 
Love and Peace

Tale

Are you a Strong Independent woman? This is for you!

Ode to the Strong Independent woman!

---She takes a look in the mirror one more time before she steps out of the house; she is the image of perfection! Every strand of her hair perfectly in place, her dress fit her like a glove; her makeup was so aptly applied you would almost miss it if you didn’t look closely. She stepped out with a deep sigh and got ready to face the world again. Nobody would ever know that she cried herself to sleep last night…

She has to confront the reality of the bills that consumed her. She could be the married woman who has been covering for her Husband by ensuring the bills are paid or that single woman struggling to take care of herself and her dependents or maybe that widow or single mum who struggles to pay fees and put food on the table. Whoever she is and wherever she is today, I salute her!

I always write from the heart; often inspired by my observation and personal life experiences. A few months ago, someone accused me that my writing showed too much emotion… The truth is she might be right, but I told her that I think that the emotions I express are a lot of people’s inner cry and dealings and that as I share my struggles and victories, maybe someone would receive the motivation and energy to keep going.

In my Mind’s ear, I heard the long sigh and the hearts beating faster in a lot of homes once it was 27^th of April 2014. It was the dreaded day before the kids went back to school in Lagos. Parents who had not been able to put the school fees together worried. Some even went into panic mode and began to make desperate attempts to borrow, beg or bargain! Then the 28^th came to pass…..

I heard a few amazing testimonies from mothers who got ‘Angels’ to help them sort the school fees or those who negotiated a flexible payment period with the school (Where were the Father’s you might ask? That’s a story for another day). There were still those who had to ask for more time to sort it out, but in all, as I listened to my sisters and heard their sighs of relieve, I couldn’t help but write this Ode to the strong independent woman.

I told a friend the other day that sometimes I get tired of being strong; I was scrolling through my phone some time ago and it really cracked up when I realized that I had the phone numbers of several PHCN officials from the connector(Who climbs the pole) to the Marketing manager in my district! But a girl needs to know the people that help to keep life stable. 

The purpose of this ramble which is quite different from my usually organized thought process is to give you (Yes You!) a part in the back and say well done strong independent woman and if you are a responsible man reading this, you deserve a part in the back too! Because that means you are caring for a sister of mine and not just milking her fountain!

Love and Peace

            Tale

I do or I don’t! Conversation on Culture, Marriage and 21st century realities

The first time I saw Barbie on cable tv in the 80’s and 90’s, I instantly found my first role model. She was exquisite, put together and very sophisticated. Though she was Caucasian (white), she was the young girl I wanted to be and just when I thought there couldn’t be more to this fantasy, I was introduced to Ken! He was Sauvé, handsome, taller than her and seemed totally enthralled by her.

Oh what a lucky doll Barbie was! She had the whole world at her feet and her prince charming to go with it. And thus began my journey as an incurable romantic-A 7 year old girl in search for her ‘happily ever after’.

The sneaky conversations of excited teenage girls giggling over their crushes on lanky teenage boys slowly turned into more serious conversations with Mothers openly telling their daughters to become serious about finding suitors-aka Future husbands.

I had those teenage crushes, especially for the Hausa guys (Circa Boko haram o!). They were always so deliciously handsome and some were actually gentlemen. Especially guys like Mohammed whose Dad owned a Major magazine in Kaduna and brought me copies regularly as a sneaky way of saying I ‘dig’ you in Primary(Now year 3 according to my son's school)3! It was all so romantic for me despite the fact that I couldn't figure out what the heck they were talking about in the magazines.

When I got to secondary school, I got tired of the teenage boys, they were suddenly too ‘immature’ for me, plus my Big Bro was not having any of that for his younger sisters. My crushes moved to my Dad’s Orderlies (A term for assistant in the Military), especially the hot Hausa guys……. Between studying to keep my grades up to retain my position as Daddy’s favorite ‘efiko’ and getting my hands on my first copies of Mills and Boons( Now Barbie was  childish at this point), I fantasized about my Prince charming. I didn’t even see the need for a real Boyfriend I was getting all the romance I needed in my mind…………

Then the rude awakening came in my late teens; it was not about boy meets girl anymore. It was now about preparing yourself to be a suitable wife in not so distant future. My fantasy was turning to frustration as I was pummeled about dressing like a lady, keeping a home and ensuring I was a good cook.  I thought I was alone in the ordeal, until my friends confided in me that their Mothers were putting them through similar ordeals. The reality of our existence was coming to bare for us… despite that fact that I was the best in my class in secondary school and I was an above average student in university, my intelligence did not mean much if I could not hook a suitor and become a ‘Mrs’!

The societal pressure for women to get married is real and some women have unfortunately succumbed to this pressure and married the wrong men. The brave ones have dealt with their failed choices by going through the pain of divorce and what used to be a little girl’s fantasy of love and happily ever after has become a night mare.

Things are changing in the 21^st century however; as Mother’s who went through the pain of staying in a bad marriage because they were financially dependent on the men have encouraged their daughters to strive for more and become strong independent women. For the first time women take pride in their ability to stand shoulder to shoulder with their Male counterparts and earn their own Money.

Some men are even relieved that they don’t have to be the sole bread winners anymore and are heard making statements like; ‘I don’t want any woman who would be a liability to me o!’

However, like every development in society that has advantages, consequent disadvantages lie in the fact that there now seems to be more successful and eligible women than their male counterparts. Also because of the time frame it takes to get to a certain level of career comfort, women are single in their 30’s and 40’s….

We are now faced with secret questions in our heart; should we marry down aka a Man not as successful and accomplished as us? Should we start approaching men? Or should we keep our heads up and remain single? But then what happens when we face lonely nights and a need for companionship?

Then the single woman begins to think; maybe our Mother’s pressures in the last decade were not so bad after all. Maybe if we have heeded it we would not be fabulously single and sometimes lonely….. And the divorced single woman or mum is wondering; what if I had not made the choice to marry that guy or succumb to the pressure to get married, maybe I won’t have had a bad marriage in my resume or be having to raise a child(en) alone…

How about the unhappy married woman who still has her ‘Mrs’ title? She seems like the luckiest of the three scenarios, but her outward composure does not betray the pain and anguish of an unhappy marriage.

I had a conversation with my dear single friend the other day and I told her that to be single is better to be in an unhappy marriage and she said; I have heard that a lot of times, but I don’t know if I believe it as the nights seem to get lonelier….

Marriage is a beautiful institution, especially when it is a good and happy marriage with two partners supporting each other. I don’t know the answer to all the questions and I don’t know what the best choice to make is; but I still remain a ‘hopeful’ romantic despite my own mistakes and believe that eventually, we can have it ‘all’, whatever that means to you………

This is one topic where I would really appreciate your opinions. Single, married, divorced, what is your take?

You might also like:Sex and the Single Lady

Love and Peace

            Tale

LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

So I decided not to write about sex and the married abstainer, not because I don’t have an opinion on the subject, but because it is a sensitive issue for a lot of married women living without sexual relations with their spouses not by choice, but circumstances. I have heard different stories and I have had my own experiences, so I choose to pray for my sisters who are in such relationships because if it is unwillingly it can be very painful and affect a woman’s self-esteem. So I choose to pray instead that God would fix such relationships…..

We all have desires and hopes for a better life. Even if you have the ‘perfect’ job or the ‘perfect’ relationships, there is still an area in your life where you want more! I have hardly met anyone who didn’t want more…..

Many like me have probably been waiting for what we consider a fairly long time for our desires to come to pass and waiting can be very frustrating and emotionally tasking. One minute you are pumped and full of joy, the next minute when the reality of your present circumstances confront you, you might get worried, or angry or even depressed as to why things seem to take so long……….

One day as I contemplated this concept of expecting more from life, one thing struck me; as wonderful as wanting more is and having an expectation is, if we are not careful, it could steal our appreciation of the beauty of TODAY! When we are constantly looking ahead for something more or something better, we might miss the little miracles and joys of the present and we live with constant disappointment because we never seem to get enough.

In my waiting period; I am teaching myself to live in the moment, to be aware of the miracles happening every day. One of the most significant is the miracle of waking up every day to see the beauty of a new day. The good book says that a living dog is better than a dead lion, so no matter how challenging life is, every day that we open our eyes to see a new day, there is hope that something can still change or happen!

So how do you live in this moment? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me:

1.      Keep a gratitude journal: I found out that a lot of successful people keep a gratitude journal and my first instinct was of course they would! When they have a lot of things to be grateful for. Well I challenged myself to keep my own mobile (I use a notebook app) journal and write down things I am grateful for at the end of each day. Since I started, I find that I always have at least 3 things to be grateful for at the end of each day and my focus on gratitude helps me enjoy each day and appreciate the small miracles.

2.      Live Expectant: It seems contradictory to say live in the moment and live expectant; however when you keep a gratitude list and begin to appreciate the small or maybe great daily miracles, it fuels your expectancy to receive more. Since our life usually goes in the direction of our most dominant thoughts, when we have an attitude of expectancy whilst enjoying and maximizing our current moment, our desires would come to pass.

3.      Nourish your hope: Someone said to the famous writer; Zig Ziglar, motivation is so temporal, one minute you are charged up, the next minute it is over. Zig said; so is having your bath, which is why you have to do it every day! This also applies to us. Think about what makes you hopeful and make it a part of your daily life. For me, it is reading bible stories of people who had a dream and it came to pass, or biographies or listening to motivational information.

Enjoy this moment in life, because you won’t get it back again. Stay connected and stay expectant. I am looking for more ways to live in the moment and I would appreciate if you can share your own experience with me.

Love and Peace

            Tale

SEX AND THE SINGLE LADY!

I have struggled with writing this topic for the last one week, but the truth is; it has been on my mind! If you read this blog regularly, you know that I have a relationship with God and so my view points are somewhat biased on that basis. This topic would not be any different, but I want to have a real conversation…..

Episode 1: My friend looked at me in shock and asked: You mean you are not going to have sex until you get married? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, because up till this point I had carried my ‘morality’ with pride and now I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me for making a decision to abstain. Then she prodded a little further; if you have not had sex before, then I would understand, but you have been sexually active for a few years and all of a sudden you want to become a nun? I haltingly blabbed that I would stick to my decision, but I was not sure any more….

Episode 2: My American colleague came into the country for a series of meetings a few years ago. After a successful week and a few good deals in the pipeline, he decided to treat me to dinner in one of my favorite restaurants. This gave us an opportunity to get personal and talk about life.

In the midst of that conversation, he wanted to know how I was ‘getting on’. I told him I wasn’t ‘getting any’. He starred at me in shock and said; if you don’t get some sex to clear your brain, you might not make the right decision in your next relationship! Now that hit me in places that I didn’t know existed. So logically sex starved (aka abstaining) equals cloudy brain therefore might lead to bad relationship? Now that kind of starred my logical brain and took a hit at my morality. It definitely got me thinking…..

Episode 3: I just got out of the bank and was overwhelmed by the requirements I needed to put together to get the LPO financing I was seeking at that time. Just as I rushed to my car to get my company seal; he drove up next to me, my ‘subconscious’ noticed him, but I immediately put the thought aside and went back into the bank to complete my task. It took another hour to fill all the forms and by the time I was walking out, I was thoroughly drained and exhausted. I got into the car and I was about to start my engine, just then he tapped on my window glass, I wound down and he introduced himself. Yes, it was the stuff ‘romantic’ movies were made of because he had the ‘type’ of name to go with it.

I wasn’t in the right mood, but he coaxed me for my card which I gave him and drove off. I must confess it was good entertainment for me after a hectic day. However I soon forgot about him until I received a call from a strange number the next evening….. Well suffice to say, Mr ‘X’ turned out to be a married man (Are all the hot guys married?) whose claim to need for companionship was an unhappy marriage. I immediately briefed him of my ‘no dating married men’ philosophy. And I thought I had heard the end of it until he called me to offer some business help and when we were getting friendly again; he ‘unleashed the dragon’.

He graphically told me of his many talents in bed and how if I allowed him to serve me a ‘three course’ meal it would be a combination of Mediterranean, intercontinental and Mexican in one meal. Now he got my attention, not just because I had been abstaining for a while, but also because I hadn’t ‘tasted’ so many ‘flavors’ in one meal! The boring end to this episode is that I turned down the meal plan and cut off the relationship…..

MY CASE FOR ABSTINENCE

It used to be a thing of pride in the good old days to ‘keep yourself’. Now you are almost foolish for even attempting it! And there are varying reasons especially in this day and age where ‘finding’ a good man seems like a herculean task. I have heard; if I don’t taste the pudding how would I know that I would like it when we get married? Or how am I sure you can have a baby, why don’t we prove it now before marriage? So despite all these, why do I make a case for abstinence?

1.      You keep your dignity: How many times have you given your cookie (borrowing Steve Harvey’s phrase) and the cookie monster ran away? When you abstain from sex outside the defined institution, it helps your sense of self-worth and dignity. You might not be getting any, but at least you are not sharing to undeserving citizens and you can work with your head held up high.

2.      You protect yourself for unexpected accidents: Even health practitioners are quick to allude that abstinence is the best way to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and infections. Yeah I know there are condoms and following morning pills, but won’t you rather stay safe than sorry?

3.      You use your sexual energy to fuel your creativity: Yep! Napoleon Hill wrote extensively about this in ‘Think and grow rich’. There is no need to keep all the energy pent up, spread it doing creative things and you would see your success in life increase. So when you feel the urge, get creative! Be like me, write a blog (lol), or sing, or visit friends or set audacious life goals!

As a single lady, your sexual needs are real, but you can choose how to express it. Let’s have some real conversations; I would like to hear from you!

Peace and Love,

Tale,

Ps:  I am tempted to write about sex and the married abstainer next…not sure yet