I do or I don’t! Conversation on Culture, Marriage and 21st century realities

The first time I saw Barbie on cable tv in the 80’s and 90’s, I instantly found my first role model. She was exquisite, put together and very sophisticated. Though she was Caucasian (white), she was the young girl I wanted to be and just when I thought there couldn’t be more to this fantasy, I was introduced to Ken! He was Sauvé, handsome, taller than her and seemed totally enthralled by her.

Oh what a lucky doll Barbie was! She had the whole world at her feet and her prince charming to go with it. And thus began my journey as an incurable romantic-A 7 year old girl in search for her ‘happily ever after’.

The sneaky conversations of excited teenage girls giggling over their crushes on lanky teenage boys slowly turned into more serious conversations with Mothers openly telling their daughters to become serious about finding suitors-aka Future husbands.

I had those teenage crushes, especially for the Hausa guys (Circa Boko haram o!). They were always so deliciously handsome and some were actually gentlemen. Especially guys like Mohammed whose Dad owned a Major magazine in Kaduna and brought me copies regularly as a sneaky way of saying I ‘dig’ you in Primary(Now year 3 according to my son's school)3! It was all so romantic for me despite the fact that I couldn't figure out what the heck they were talking about in the magazines.

When I got to secondary school, I got tired of the teenage boys, they were suddenly too ‘immature’ for me, plus my Big Bro was not having any of that for his younger sisters. My crushes moved to my Dad’s Orderlies (A term for assistant in the Military), especially the hot Hausa guys……. Between studying to keep my grades up to retain my position as Daddy’s favorite ‘efiko’ and getting my hands on my first copies of Mills and Boons( Now Barbie was  childish at this point), I fantasized about my Prince charming. I didn’t even see the need for a real Boyfriend I was getting all the romance I needed in my mind…………

Then the rude awakening came in my late teens; it was not about boy meets girl anymore. It was now about preparing yourself to be a suitable wife in not so distant future. My fantasy was turning to frustration as I was pummeled about dressing like a lady, keeping a home and ensuring I was a good cook.  I thought I was alone in the ordeal, until my friends confided in me that their Mothers were putting them through similar ordeals. The reality of our existence was coming to bare for us… despite that fact that I was the best in my class in secondary school and I was an above average student in university, my intelligence did not mean much if I could not hook a suitor and become a ‘Mrs’!

The societal pressure for women to get married is real and some women have unfortunately succumbed to this pressure and married the wrong men. The brave ones have dealt with their failed choices by going through the pain of divorce and what used to be a little girl’s fantasy of love and happily ever after has become a night mare.

Things are changing in the 21^st century however; as Mother’s who went through the pain of staying in a bad marriage because they were financially dependent on the men have encouraged their daughters to strive for more and become strong independent women. For the first time women take pride in their ability to stand shoulder to shoulder with their Male counterparts and earn their own Money.

Some men are even relieved that they don’t have to be the sole bread winners anymore and are heard making statements like; ‘I don’t want any woman who would be a liability to me o!’

However, like every development in society that has advantages, consequent disadvantages lie in the fact that there now seems to be more successful and eligible women than their male counterparts. Also because of the time frame it takes to get to a certain level of career comfort, women are single in their 30’s and 40’s….

We are now faced with secret questions in our heart; should we marry down aka a Man not as successful and accomplished as us? Should we start approaching men? Or should we keep our heads up and remain single? But then what happens when we face lonely nights and a need for companionship?

Then the single woman begins to think; maybe our Mother’s pressures in the last decade were not so bad after all. Maybe if we have heeded it we would not be fabulously single and sometimes lonely….. And the divorced single woman or mum is wondering; what if I had not made the choice to marry that guy or succumb to the pressure to get married, maybe I won’t have had a bad marriage in my resume or be having to raise a child(en) alone…

How about the unhappy married woman who still has her ‘Mrs’ title? She seems like the luckiest of the three scenarios, but her outward composure does not betray the pain and anguish of an unhappy marriage.

I had a conversation with my dear single friend the other day and I told her that to be single is better to be in an unhappy marriage and she said; I have heard that a lot of times, but I don’t know if I believe it as the nights seem to get lonelier….

Marriage is a beautiful institution, especially when it is a good and happy marriage with two partners supporting each other. I don’t know the answer to all the questions and I don’t know what the best choice to make is; but I still remain a ‘hopeful’ romantic despite my own mistakes and believe that eventually, we can have it ‘all’, whatever that means to you………

This is one topic where I would really appreciate your opinions. Single, married, divorced, what is your take?

You might also like:Sex and the Single Lady

Love and Peace

            Tale

LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

So I decided not to write about sex and the married abstainer, not because I don’t have an opinion on the subject, but because it is a sensitive issue for a lot of married women living without sexual relations with their spouses not by choice, but circumstances. I have heard different stories and I have had my own experiences, so I choose to pray for my sisters who are in such relationships because if it is unwillingly it can be very painful and affect a woman’s self-esteem. So I choose to pray instead that God would fix such relationships…..

We all have desires and hopes for a better life. Even if you have the ‘perfect’ job or the ‘perfect’ relationships, there is still an area in your life where you want more! I have hardly met anyone who didn’t want more…..

Many like me have probably been waiting for what we consider a fairly long time for our desires to come to pass and waiting can be very frustrating and emotionally tasking. One minute you are pumped and full of joy, the next minute when the reality of your present circumstances confront you, you might get worried, or angry or even depressed as to why things seem to take so long……….

One day as I contemplated this concept of expecting more from life, one thing struck me; as wonderful as wanting more is and having an expectation is, if we are not careful, it could steal our appreciation of the beauty of TODAY! When we are constantly looking ahead for something more or something better, we might miss the little miracles and joys of the present and we live with constant disappointment because we never seem to get enough.

In my waiting period; I am teaching myself to live in the moment, to be aware of the miracles happening every day. One of the most significant is the miracle of waking up every day to see the beauty of a new day. The good book says that a living dog is better than a dead lion, so no matter how challenging life is, every day that we open our eyes to see a new day, there is hope that something can still change or happen!

So how do you live in this moment? Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me:

1.      Keep a gratitude journal: I found out that a lot of successful people keep a gratitude journal and my first instinct was of course they would! When they have a lot of things to be grateful for. Well I challenged myself to keep my own mobile (I use a notebook app) journal and write down things I am grateful for at the end of each day. Since I started, I find that I always have at least 3 things to be grateful for at the end of each day and my focus on gratitude helps me enjoy each day and appreciate the small miracles.

2.      Live Expectant: It seems contradictory to say live in the moment and live expectant; however when you keep a gratitude list and begin to appreciate the small or maybe great daily miracles, it fuels your expectancy to receive more. Since our life usually goes in the direction of our most dominant thoughts, when we have an attitude of expectancy whilst enjoying and maximizing our current moment, our desires would come to pass.

3.      Nourish your hope: Someone said to the famous writer; Zig Ziglar, motivation is so temporal, one minute you are charged up, the next minute it is over. Zig said; so is having your bath, which is why you have to do it every day! This also applies to us. Think about what makes you hopeful and make it a part of your daily life. For me, it is reading bible stories of people who had a dream and it came to pass, or biographies or listening to motivational information.

Enjoy this moment in life, because you won’t get it back again. Stay connected and stay expectant. I am looking for more ways to live in the moment and I would appreciate if you can share your own experience with me.

Love and Peace

            Tale

SEX AND THE SINGLE LADY!

I have struggled with writing this topic for the last one week, but the truth is; it has been on my mind! If you read this blog regularly, you know that I have a relationship with God and so my view points are somewhat biased on that basis. This topic would not be any different, but I want to have a real conversation…..

Episode 1: My friend looked at me in shock and asked: You mean you are not going to have sex until you get married? I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, because up till this point I had carried my ‘morality’ with pride and now I was beginning to feel like there was something wrong with me for making a decision to abstain. Then she prodded a little further; if you have not had sex before, then I would understand, but you have been sexually active for a few years and all of a sudden you want to become a nun? I haltingly blabbed that I would stick to my decision, but I was not sure any more….

Episode 2: My American colleague came into the country for a series of meetings a few years ago. After a successful week and a few good deals in the pipeline, he decided to treat me to dinner in one of my favorite restaurants. This gave us an opportunity to get personal and talk about life.

In the midst of that conversation, he wanted to know how I was ‘getting on’. I told him I wasn’t ‘getting any’. He starred at me in shock and said; if you don’t get some sex to clear your brain, you might not make the right decision in your next relationship! Now that hit me in places that I didn’t know existed. So logically sex starved (aka abstaining) equals cloudy brain therefore might lead to bad relationship? Now that kind of starred my logical brain and took a hit at my morality. It definitely got me thinking…..

Episode 3: I just got out of the bank and was overwhelmed by the requirements I needed to put together to get the LPO financing I was seeking at that time. Just as I rushed to my car to get my company seal; he drove up next to me, my ‘subconscious’ noticed him, but I immediately put the thought aside and went back into the bank to complete my task. It took another hour to fill all the forms and by the time I was walking out, I was thoroughly drained and exhausted. I got into the car and I was about to start my engine, just then he tapped on my window glass, I wound down and he introduced himself. Yes, it was the stuff ‘romantic’ movies were made of because he had the ‘type’ of name to go with it.

I wasn’t in the right mood, but he coaxed me for my card which I gave him and drove off. I must confess it was good entertainment for me after a hectic day. However I soon forgot about him until I received a call from a strange number the next evening….. Well suffice to say, Mr ‘X’ turned out to be a married man (Are all the hot guys married?) whose claim to need for companionship was an unhappy marriage. I immediately briefed him of my ‘no dating married men’ philosophy. And I thought I had heard the end of it until he called me to offer some business help and when we were getting friendly again; he ‘unleashed the dragon’.

He graphically told me of his many talents in bed and how if I allowed him to serve me a ‘three course’ meal it would be a combination of Mediterranean, intercontinental and Mexican in one meal. Now he got my attention, not just because I had been abstaining for a while, but also because I hadn’t ‘tasted’ so many ‘flavors’ in one meal! The boring end to this episode is that I turned down the meal plan and cut off the relationship…..

MY CASE FOR ABSTINENCE

It used to be a thing of pride in the good old days to ‘keep yourself’. Now you are almost foolish for even attempting it! And there are varying reasons especially in this day and age where ‘finding’ a good man seems like a herculean task. I have heard; if I don’t taste the pudding how would I know that I would like it when we get married? Or how am I sure you can have a baby, why don’t we prove it now before marriage? So despite all these, why do I make a case for abstinence?

1.      You keep your dignity: How many times have you given your cookie (borrowing Steve Harvey’s phrase) and the cookie monster ran away? When you abstain from sex outside the defined institution, it helps your sense of self-worth and dignity. You might not be getting any, but at least you are not sharing to undeserving citizens and you can work with your head held up high.

2.      You protect yourself for unexpected accidents: Even health practitioners are quick to allude that abstinence is the best way to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy and infections. Yeah I know there are condoms and following morning pills, but won’t you rather stay safe than sorry?

3.      You use your sexual energy to fuel your creativity: Yep! Napoleon Hill wrote extensively about this in ‘Think and grow rich’. There is no need to keep all the energy pent up, spread it doing creative things and you would see your success in life increase. So when you feel the urge, get creative! Be like me, write a blog (lol), or sing, or visit friends or set audacious life goals!

As a single lady, your sexual needs are real, but you can choose how to express it. Let’s have some real conversations; I would like to hear from you!

Peace and Love,

Tale,

Ps:  I am tempted to write about sex and the married abstainer next…not sure yet